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Cottage availability search

You can arrive for your break either on:

  • Friday for 2, 3 or 7 nights
  • Sunday for 5 or 7 nights
  • Monday for 4, 6 or 7 nights

If you’d like anything outside of that just ask us.

Calendar

What?

  • 6 Suffolk Barns that all sleep 2, and a 500 year-old, thatched Farmhouse, which sleeps 7
  • Each cottage has a fully enclosed garden. We welcome up to 3 dogs in each
  • Private Hot Tubs with 5 of the barns

When?

  • 2 or 3 night weekends from Fridays
  • 4 night midweek breaks from Mondays
  • 5 night midweek breaks from Sundays
  • Full weeks or fortnights from any of those days

Why?

  • Fully enclosed 2 acre meadow for your dogs
  • Hundreds of Five Star TripAdvisor and Facebook reviews
  • Five of the Barns have Private Hot Tubs
  • Visit England Gold Awards all round
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Woodfarm Barns vintage holiday style poster
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Woodfarm Barns the Movie

An actual two and a half minute video showing you every one of our dog-friendly holiday cottages.

We have lots of video footage of each cottage

We also have an Amazing Virtual Tour. This tour allows you to look around every room of every cottage from the comfort of your armchair.

£50 off your first stay

What you’ll get:

£50 off your first stay
Exclusive offers
Competitions to win free holidays
Fast news on cancellations

We won’t bombard you with emails and you can opt out at any time.

Fill in this form to get your £50 discount voucher




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Or for something completely different….

We also have two awesome Dutch Barges, moored in Suffolk! Both have featured in ‘The Times’ and offer a truly unique stay! They’re static so think of them as floating holiday cottages with views!

Just click to have a look at our other website Woodfarm Barges – Choose between one for couples on the River Deben in Woodbridge, and one for families or friends on the River Alde at Snape Maltings.

Seven Gold-Award winning luxury holiday cottages in Suffolk.

“Created with you in mind. Modern comforts with rural charm, all within easy reach of so many fabulous and interesting places such as the stunning heritage coast and so many beautiful Suffolk villages.

All our Suffolk Holiday Cottages are dog-friendly, with enclosed gardens and we have hundreds of Five Star TripAdvisor, Facebook and Google reviews. We have also earned the Visit England Gold Standard Award for all of our properties.

Book and plan your next holiday or short-break at Woodfarm Barns and make it your home from home”

Stay. Relax. Share. Repeat.

carl signature
Stour and Deben Barns at our Romantic, Luxurious Self-Catering, Dog-Friendly Holiday Cottages in the Heart of the Rural Suffolk Countryside

Explore every cottage with our Google Virtual Tour

You can start here or click on the menu to choose a Cottage to look around. PLEASE NOTE: Five of the Barns have their own Private Hot Tub for the ultimate Luxury Break. They are not shown on this tour, as we’ve added them since the tour was shot, but there are photos of them on the Cottage pages. They’ll be added to the tour soon folks

Click on the buttons below to see our awards and reviews

holiday cottage five star reviews

Hundreds of Five Star Trip Advisor, Facebook and Google Reviews

Visit England Gold Award
Pets Welcome Logo - Woodfarm Barns
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Having now done our first full load of changeovers now, we are properly back in the game!

Two complaints from the weekend though; "The only fault I could find is that I couldn't find any faults", and "Why can't you make time go slower?". Thanks to Luke and Lesley respectively for those, we'll take that!

In other news, it looks like my 'Lone Ranger' mask idea from last week wasn't my scoop as Suffolk's best Newspaper, the Suffolk Gazette reported it the day before me!

Not only that, but it turns out that Dimwald Klump had the genius idea of cutting holes in his so he could see all the mayhem he's causing! Why didn't I think of that?!?!

This is why I'm just running my little Holiday Barns & Barges business, and not running the best newspaper in Suffolk, or running the United States (into the ground)

#suffolkgazette #potus #loneranger #barnsandbarges #staycation #suffolk
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Having now done our first full load of changeovers now, we are properly back in the game! 

Two complaints from the weekend though; The only fault I could find is that I couldnt find any faults, and Why cant you make time go slower?. Thanks to Luke and Lesley respectively for those, well take that!

In other news, it looks like my Lone Ranger mask idea from last week wasnt my scoop as Suffolks best Newspaper, the Suffolk Gazette reported it the day before me!

Not only that, but it turns out that Dimwald Klump had the genius idea of cutting holes in his so he could see all the mayhem hes causing! Why didnt I think of that?!?!

This is why Im just running my little Holiday Barns & Barges business, and not running the best newspaper in Suffolk, or running the United States (into the ground)

#suffolkgazette #potus #loneranger #barnsandbarges #staycation #suffolk

Comment on Facebook 321936367892190_3132411473511318

Nice to have complaints like that, glad all went well xx

Yay, glad you survived! And it sounds like normal excellent service has resumed. I’m actually going out today and leaving Jacob!!

Glad it all went well. See you on Sunday... 4 more work days xx

I’m sure you’ll take complaints like that all day !!🤣 Have fun xx

Morning Chief, excellent work more 5☆ reviews hopefully winging towards you and the team 👍

Great news! Well done Woodfarm team 👏🙌

Glad it went okay

Wouldn’t expect anything less! Well done xx

👏👏👏👏

Good morning C. Scott... Glad all is going so well... All thanks to your hard work. Have a great day. xx

The only way is up. Have a great day all x

Morning el presidents Glad all is going well up North...... Proper beer was quaffed at the Paris in Coverack last night..was strange being in a pub..not a virtual one...no quiz or happy hour...was going to buy you a pint but you weren't behind the bar 😁 Todays pic...from Sunny Coverack last night on way back from pub

Proper pint..no bottles

My prints arrived today. Really lovely, and beautifully framed. I'll post a pic as soon as I've hung them. Thank you so much x

Great news - wouldn’t expect any less xx

Woo hoo, great news & well done!

Well done Chief x

Hi Carl was a fantastic weekend . Wouldn't be the same if I didn't ask you to slow time for me. Hope to see you soon love us all xxx🐾🐾

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Morning Woodentops.

What a night down the Woodfarm Arms, with Mugs, a T-Shirt, and THREE FREE BREAKS given away, plus some 'Quizzy' fun had by all.

Well done to Kirsty Jukes and Adele Houlding, the lucky recipients of our two NHS Heroes Holidays, and well done to Gunilla Ward who won our 11th Birthday Competition!

Sounds like the start of a diary entry doesn't it? Well although it isn't, we have made headway in getting the whole diary onto the website thanks to Woodentop Louise, so more news on that soon!

Louise also went through the diary and pulled out all the names that I came up with for the malignant narcissist voted in by the American electoral system to take care of their country. That's going well. Thought I'd share them with you. There's only 82 of them to choose from... 🤣🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️.

Which is your favourite?

Clump
Dalton Drump
Damp Old Runt
Dick Trump
Dick Van Trumpling
Dickwad Dump
Dickwad Flump
Dickwad Trumplingberry
Dul Don Tramp
Flubber
Flump
Flumple Stiltskin
Flumpster
Flumpty Gumpty
Flumpty Trumpty
Flumpy McTrumpburger
Glibwald Gump
Gob the lump
Gob-mould Gump
Gobwald Grump
Gobwald Gump
Gormwald Dump
Grimwald Dump
Grumple Trumpskin
Gump
Gumpy McGumpface
His Flumpiness
Humpty Numpty
Humpty Trumpty
Jabba
Jabba the Clump
Jabba the Flumpton
Jabba the Lump
Jabba the Trump
Jabba the Trumpty
Jabster
Lard Dumpton
Lord Dampnut
Mister Flump
Mr. Gump
Mr. Tango-Blobby
Numpty Flumpty
Oompah Trumpah
Orange blob
Orange thicktard
Orangey Tangoed Useless Slimeball
Orangey tinted guy over in America
Petulant orange child
POTUS (Particularly Orangey Tangoed Useless Slimeball)
Rancid orange American friend
Ronald Bump
Ronald Dump
Ronald Flump
Scumty Trumpty
Sleazy orange one
Tangoed one
The big orange chief
The insidious orange leader of the United States
The orange blimp
The orange fella
The orange one
The orange panda-eyed slug
The slimy orange gutter-crawler
The tangerine Flubster
The Trumpmeister
Trumpah Loompah
Trumpah Lumpah
Trumpeter
Trumple
Trumple Guiltskin
Trumple Von Tango
Trumple Wiltbin
Trumple Wiltskin
Trumple Stiltskin
Trumpness
Trumpton
Trumpty
Trumpty Numpty
Trumpty Scummity
Trumpty Scumty
Turd Pondlam
Wimple Trumpskin
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Morning Woodentops.

What a night down the Woodfarm Arms, with Mugs, a T-Shirt, and THREE FREE BREAKS given away, plus some Quizzy fun had by all.

Well done to Kirsty Jukes and Adele Houlding, the lucky recipients of our two NHS Heroes Holidays, and well done to Gunilla Ward who won our 11th Birthday Competition!

Sounds like the start of a diary entry doesnt it? Well although it isnt, we have made headway in getting the whole diary onto the website thanks to Woodentop Louise, so more news on that soon!

Louise also went through the diary and pulled out all the names that I came up with for the malignant narcissist voted in by the American electoral system to take care of their country. Thats going well. Thought Id share them with you. Theres only 82 of them to choose from... 🤣🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️.

Which is your favourite?

Clump
Dalton Drump
Damp Old Runt
Dick Trump
Dick Van Trumpling
Dickwad Dump
Dickwad Flump
Dickwad Trumplingberry
Dul Don Tramp
Flubber
Flump
Flumple Stiltskin
Flumpster
Flumpty Gumpty
Flumpty Trumpty
Flumpy McTrumpburger
Glibwald Gump
Gob the lump
Gob-mould Gump
Gobwald Grump
Gobwald Gump
Gormwald Dump
Grimwald Dump
Grumple Trumpskin
Gump
Gumpy McGumpface
His Flumpiness
Humpty Numpty
Humpty Trumpty
Jabba
Jabba the Clump
Jabba the Flumpton
Jabba the Lump
Jabba the Trump
Jabba the Trumpty
Jabster
Lard Dumpton
Lord Dampnut
Mister Flump
Mr. Gump
Mr. Tango-Blobby
Numpty Flumpty
Oompah Trumpah
Orange blob
Orange thicktard
Orangey Tangoed Useless Slimeball
Orangey tinted guy over in America
Petulant orange child
POTUS (Particularly Orangey Tangoed Useless Slimeball)
Rancid orange American friend
Ronald Bump
Ronald Dump
Ronald Flump
Scumty Trumpty
Sleazy orange one
Tangoed one
The big orange chief
The insidious orange leader of the United States
The orange blimp
The orange fella
The orange one
The orange panda-eyed slug
The slimy orange gutter-crawler
The tangerine Flubster
The Trumpmeister
Trumpah Loompah
Trumpah Lumpah
Trumpeter
Trumple
Trumple Guiltskin
Trumple Von Tango
Trumple Wiltbin
Trumple Wiltskin
Trumple Stiltskin
Trumpness
Trumpton
Trumpty
Trumpty Numpty
Trumpty Scummity
Trumpty Scumty
Turd Pondlam
Wimple Trumpskin

Comment on Facebook Morning Woodentops....

I can’t choose!!!! All brilliant 👍

Ah - I was only one out in my guess of 81 names! All worthy monikers!

Oompah Trumpa definitely along with Numpty Trumpty 🙂

Trumple van tango juat gets my vote 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

So much choice!

Ha ha you like him then !

They're all brilliant and so glad there's a list but I think the one that sums him up is 'The Slimy Orange Gutter- Crawler'

All brilliant, didn’t realise there were so many. My favourite bit of the diary!

Wow! So many to choose from, all so apt and fitting I can't choose a favourite x

Wow! They are all brilliant but I'd have to go for Damp Old Runt.

Love em all. ... but if had to choose then it would be ...no it’s just too hard! Xxx

Trumpty numpty 😂

Keep reading them all and coming back to Damp Old Runt which makes me smile the most 😀

Flumpy McTrumpburger makes me chuckle. The really funny thought is imagining his reaction to being called these names.

I'm sure there were more 😄 Difficult to choose - but has to be Trumple Guiltskin - because he is.

Orangey Tangoed Useless Slimeball is my favourite. I’ve just read them out to Jacob, he thoroughly enjoyed them but he did say he thought you were slightly mad! Sorry I missed one or two!

Damp old Runt or Dickwad Dump - oh they were all appropriate and to think that on 82 occasions we all knew who you were referring to...😂😂🤣🤣!!

Damp Old Runt is my choice. All brilliant didn't realize one person could have so many names

Good morning and well done to the winners! Numpty Trumpty is my favourite 🤣 Have a good day everyone. X

I’m am so delighted to have won the prize! Can’t wait to go and discover the farm. Thank you so much xx😍

Got to be Damp Old Runt as my favourite. Sums him up perfectly 😜.

Great night Captain 👨‍✈️ can’t wait to get to our second home 🏡 see you so 👍😊

Have to go for Flumpty Trumpty.... Big decision on a Monday morning.

Trumpty Numpty for me. Just when you think it couldn't get any worse across the pond Kanye West has announced he's running for president. And if that's not bad enough it would mean Kim Kardashian as first lady. You couldn't make it up 🤣🤣

Love them all but will chose Dick Van Trumpling as my favourite 😁 Sorry I could only pop in briefly (roughly 5 seconds 🤣) but was out with my daughter watching her show jump! It was a lonnnggg old session as someone fell & needed an ambulance. Where's James when you need him? 😁 Anyway, dog had me up early today, so played the quiz myself...rubbish at lyrics (I know, they all said!) And scored 25 1/2. Quiz is in my diary for next month...promise! Have a good one x

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1 week ago

Woodfarm Barns & Barges

The 8/10 Dogs does the Woodfarm not Pub Quiz in our new monthly slot!

Live from The Woodfarm Arms @ Woodfarm Barns, Suffolk

This is just for fun. Grab a pad and pen and join in

4 rounds and you can play your joker on one round. We’ll cover that

DO NOT POST ANSWERS ON THE PAGE! It’s just for you to play in your house!
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Comment on Facebook 268258004506493

I’m going to have a go if that’s all right! Haven’t joined this before!

Thank you Carl, great quiz even if I was rubbish! iPad battery didn’t help!x

Got to go now as it's my son's birthday 🍾🍻. . Have fun everyone & good luck to all for the amazing giveaway. Xx

You’d love the laugh promenade in Blackpool, all the classic quotes from the legends on the boardwalk

Thanks all, I loved reading it again, it’s such a great record of events xx

Got to go dog walking now... good luck to all for the competion... Xx

Rather embarrassingly grounded our ocean rowing boat in Poole Harbour at the end of our sea trials.

Dont be cheeky Carl.. I know I am your favourite... and it is great to be back x

No decided to go to Iceland for 40th I’m January! Great place not so great food.

Thanks again Carl - look forward to the next one. Neill has thought of a round already 😁Night all x

I filleted a fish in that kitchen, great experience. Thanks Chef Mark

No. 9 I loved them...my first CD and I didn’t own a CD player!

Evening Carl! Very windy here today, the weather, not me!!!

Wow- now I see everyone else’s- maybe 9 wasn’t so good- still pleased

I’m thick as I thought it was all the answers not the letters given so only got 12 with joker...!

For some that doesn’t drink a lot, you seem to be having a beer quite a few times!

Hello - we are quizzing with Karen and Jon from separate locations

Only available in large to fit all the wording in...

Think I’d better go for joker on R 3 as I’m a chocoholic...😀😀!!

Such a nice thing to do Carl, and thank you to all the wonderful NHS heroes, you’re all amazing 💖

Evening from Cornwall...ale of choice..Hicks traditional vstrong Cornish ale

Carl’s pub - probably the best pub in the world😂

No I am useless at lyrics. Used to think karma chameleon was actually become a comedian

Excellent monthly quiz...thank you Carl and all the question setters

Top evening again Carl. Look forward to next month work permitting.

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Meet me at 6.30pm this evening down the Woodfarm Arms on Facebook Live.

Quite possibly the only pub in Britain that'll be giving away THREE FREE BREAKS and at least one 'Bizzy with the Quizzy' T-Shirt and a Woodfarm Mug!!!!

Carlspub. Probably the best pub in the world
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Meet me at 6.30pm this evening down the Woodfarm Arms on Facebook Live.

Quite possibly the only pub in Britain thatll be giving away THREE FREE BREAKS and at least one Bizzy with the Quizzy T-Shirt and a Woodfarm Mug!!!!

Carlspub. Probably the best pub in the world

Comment on Facebook Meet me at 6.30pm ...

And no massive brawls outside 🥴 🍾🍷🍸🍹🍺🍻🥂🥃

Definitely the best pub in the world 👍🏻

With perfect patrons behaving themselves...well almost! 😜😁 x

Cool like the Carlspub 🧐👍 we have booked to come to stay in your place in August looking forward to it booked with our friends Steve Mutlow Please make sure the weather is good 🌈👍

I'll bring my own beer

Good luck Bridget 🍀 🤞

Have fun! X

No probably about it !! 😎😎

Evening Carl and all x

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Team Woodfarm is back up and running again, with a fully-booked weekend on dry land and aboard the Barges. Get in!

And as the hordes were heading to the pub yesterday, I was heading to the Post Office. Spent some time in my Bubble-Wrap Bubble, getting our fab new Limited Edition, Framed A4 Woodfarm Barns & Woodfarm Barges prints off to their first recipients.

Absolutely delighted with the finished product by my mate Dave of Hemingstone frames as always, and even held him up in the Post Office (I think they call that Karma 🤣)

If you'd like these awesome retro posters for your kitchen, downstairs loo, study, library, wine cellar or orangery, they're going at cost for just £35 a pair including p&p. Message me and I'll do the rest.

They've already got a pair at the finest Deli in all the land, currently propping up their perspex screen. Wear them with pride Earsham Street Delicatessen!

PUB QUIZ tonite peeps at 6.30pm, so meet me at the safest pub in Britain for a pint and some fun. Oh, and I'm giving away THREE FREE BREAKS!!!! See ya there!

Stay safe x
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Team Woodfarm is back up and running again, with a fully-booked weekend on dry land and aboard the Barges. Get in! 

And as the hordes were heading to the pub yesterday, I was heading to the Post Office. Spent some time in my Bubble-Wrap Bubble, getting our fab new Limited Edition, Framed A4 Woodfarm Barns & Woodfarm Barges prints off to their first recipients.

Absolutely delighted with the finished product by my mate Dave of Hemingstone frames as always, and even held him up in the Post Office (I think they call that Karma 🤣)

If youd like these awesome retro posters for your kitchen, downstairs loo, study, library, wine cellar or orangery, theyre going at cost for just £35 a pair including p&p. Message me and Ill do the rest.

Theyve already got a pair at the finest Deli in all the land, currently propping up their perspex screen. Wear them with pride Earsham Street Delicatessen!

PUB QUIZ tonite peeps at 6.30pm, so meet me at the safest pub in Britain for a pint and some fun. Oh, and Im giving away THREE FREE BREAKS!!!! See ya there!

Stay safe x

Comment on Facebook 321936367892190_3129678867117912

I’m looking forward to getting quizzical later.

Yay! Congratulations, and you still had time to get to the Post Office! I'm sooo exciting about the quiz. See you later x PS It was fairly windy in the tent last night, thought I was going to wake up in The Land of Oz!

The prints look fab! Glad you've recovered somewhat from your opening day 😁 hope to make it to the quiz later 🤞 x

Looking forward to our quiz later. Prints looking fab x

🤞🏼That one set was for me. They look so good with that black frame great choice. Hoping to catch up at the quiz tonight but it might have to be a quick dram for me as possible family Zoom. X

They look great, especially as the first things my customers see when they walk in! (Rachel and Gail feel free to find them a slightly less prominent home) x

Yay 👏👏good to have you back.

They would look great as fridge magnets 😁 x

Good morning Hope your guest are behaving after being released into the wild for the first time in months. Tracey thinks she has claimed the posters for her office. Take care Se you tonight

Can’t wait to collect ours in person 🥰

See you tonight although won’t have a clue what is going on as will be our first foray into the Quizzy....😂😂!!

Good morning C. Scott... Amazing.. Bet you are having to pinch yourself this morning... A full house!! Well done you!! As for the pictures.. They look stunning!! See you down the pub.. That's if you're still awake!! Have a great but busy day. xx

Prints are fabulous, reminiscent of the old railway posters.

See you at the quiz! Can’t wait!!! 😘

Can’t wait 😊 to see you , I’m so pleased 😃 for you my friend ,take care and see you at the pub 🐻

Morning Carl. From windy Kernow.....great looking prints .will be in touch re those when we get back...well according to my Dover Facebook page..the chavycovidiots kicked off last night with a nice street brawl to smash a few windows....pathetic tools 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 Anyway I hope yesterday went fine..no rioting with your guests....hopefully join you down the pub tonight ..signal permitting..bit hit and miss where we are staying Stay safe mate....catch up soon

Who has caused this to be posted? 😮😮 x

This time next week we will be on our way to you 🍾😀😀😀😀 See you tonight for the Quizzy xx

I'll get my prints when i'm there in October hopefully !!

I'm so pleased things are looking up for you Carl, at long last. Very much deserved. Ipswich Woodentop x

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That was easy, dunno wot all the fuss was about!

#goteamwoodfarm #wegotthis #pieceofcake
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That was easy, dunno wot all the fuss was about!

#goteamwoodfarm #wegotthis #pieceofcake

Comment on Facebook That was easy, dunno...

We always seem to be mid dinner and miss it ☹️

🤗

You can do this Carl! Everyone is rooting for you

We knew you could do it, can't wait to hear all about it tomorrow down the pub xx

Nice shoes! 😁

Very Elvis - Mr blue suede shoes ! Well done xxx

Well done! 😊

Knew you could do it. Now breathe x

I’m feeling a little bit jealous. Wish we were there. I bet you’re pleased to be back to normal!

Was I that a pitcher of gin and tonic.

I’m sure it’s a good weary 😊

😂😂 Takes a while to get back in the swing. Go Carl!

Well done Carl, love your shoes!.x

I’m sure you’re tired but also very happy to be open again 😘

Where’s Doreen when you need her !!!! 😂😂

Well done! We opened our cottage in Whitby to our first guests today so i know how elated you feel! Its great to be getting back to some normality 😍

You got this! Well done 🙂 Sx

Didn’t the Wilsons give you a hand? 😀 Tired but, I’m sure, very satisfied.

Thought of you all today. Well done xx

Congratulations to you and your fabulous team 🎉🥂

Assuming that it went well then 😀😀!! Hope that you’ve recovered in time for the quizzy tomorrow evening 😀 x

Brilliant effort, sleep well 🙂

Good job chief Woodentop! Hope all your guests have a fab holibobs 😊

Ah love your heart.

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Right then, bookings and stress levels back through the roof and it's all systems go!

Time for me to chill and read my new book. I've been so lucky to have some very lovely gifts from you lot; you're too kind. I've had Beer, T-shirts, a Ferrari, Wellness Products, Chocolate, a Baseball Cap, a Wilson and more!

And now this lovely book arrived yesterday, courtesy of Woodentop Deborah, along with a note to say "thank you for entertaining us all for 101 days". The book was chosen because of my 'love of words', and it's spot on! A flick through revealed a whole bunch that appeared in the diary, but one of my favourite words that didn't appear in the diary was "Boorish".

A 'Boor' is a clumsy, insensitive person, usually a man, and his manners are likely to be 'Boorish'.

Now far be it from me to cast aspersions or to confess who springs to my mind, but 'Boorish' just happens to be an anagram of "oh Boris".

Have a nice day y'awl and I'll see you at the Pub Quiz tomorrow evening!!!
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Right then, bookings and stress levels back through the roof and its all systems go!

Time for me to chill and read my new book. Ive been so lucky to have some very lovely gifts from you lot; youre too kind. Ive had Beer, T-shirts, a Ferrari, Wellness Products, Chocolate, a Baseball Cap, a Wilson and more! 

And now this lovely book arrived yesterday, courtesy of Woodentop Deborah, along with a note to say thank you for entertaining us all for 101 days. The book was chosen because of my love of words, and its spot on! A flick through revealed a whole bunch that appeared in the diary, but one of my favourite words that didnt appear in the diary was Boorish.

A Boor is a clumsy, insensitive person, usually a man, and his manners are likely to be Boorish.

Now far be it from me to cast aspersions or to confess who springs to my mind, but Boorish just happens to be an anagram of oh Boris.

Have a nice day yawl and Ill see you at the Pub Quiz tomorrow evening!!!

Comment on Facebook Right then, bookings...

A Ferrari? Auto correct for Ferrero Rocher? 🤔🙂 x

Good to see you still have a bit of me/us time!

Thanks Carl for your diary. A great read with a cuppa of a morning . We are wending are way down to Suffolk for the weekend . Looking forward to a change of scenery . Good luck with opening the barns today I know your guest with have a great time .

Oh Boris - very Nessa! What's occurring Carl?

GOOD LUCK, you deserve it, It's been great reading your diary entries, most certainly put a smile on my face during difficult times, Thank you and take care X

Good morning Just a quick glance at Facebook and your back, you just don’t want us going off and reading the butlins page do you!

Good luck with your re opening it will be strange for you to have humans around again.👍

What a fabulous gift 🎁. Nice to see you on my FB feed this morning 😊😊 Have a great back to work day today (with guests ) xx

I MISS THE DIARY! 😢😢😢 Good luck today Carlos, remember to breathe and we can’t wait to hear all about it at the pub tomorrow. Yay!!!!!

No stress lol

🤣 Happy Satday to you! Except you won’t be from now on! Far too busy busy! 👏🏻👍🏻

Enjoy 😂

Pulchritude. Sounds the opposite of what it is.

My favorite word is wynsleydale ❤️❤️ just the way it rolls round your mouth 😂 Can't wait till Octobers visit, I'm heading to Yorkshire before so ending the trip in style in the barns 🤣

Love the expression Cap 🧢,you don’t have time for reading a book right now guests are on their way, chop chop 🤣😂. Hey mate how do you get this thing going 🤣

So “hi ho it’s off to I go”with a song in my heart””Carl’s coming up so we better get this party started” Hope you have great day and enjoy having guests again. So shoulders back and away you go doing what you do best.x

Stress, I’m sure your guests don’t give you stress..... well maybe apart from us (ssshh - we won’t mention the DVD player 😂😂🤣🤣!!) Thank you for my “unexpectedly” win mug which arrived safely yesterday! Boorish - yes good word - even my predictive text hasn’t tried to alter it 😂 See you at the pub tomorrow evening x

I wanted to send you a new bike, but postage was too much. 💋🚲

Hope all goes well today. Take a deep breath and know that it will all be fine. See you tomorrow x

Hope your first proper day back to work goes well, I'm sure it will, you always seem to be super organised . Good luck.x

Missing your diary Carl. It definitely wasn’t argle-bargle - look that one up in your new book!😂x

I remember the disdain in my Mother’s voice as she would say ‘how boorish’. Glad business is booming for you.

Very apt! See you tomorrow x

GOOD LUCK!! X

Good luck 🍀 all our best wishes to you and your fantastic team x

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A very close friend in America has been giving me guidance on how to wear a mask so that I not only look like the Lone Ranger, but I stay safe.

Yes, oh orange one, this is exactly how it's done 🤦‍♂️

#yacouldntmakeitup #plonker
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A very close friend in America has been giving me guidance on how to wear a mask so that I not only look like the Lone Ranger, but I stay safe.

Yes, oh orange one, this is exactly how its done 🤦‍♂️

#yacouldntmakeitup #plonker

Comment on Facebook A very close friend ...

The Trumpa Lumpa is less like the Lone Ranger and sadly closer to the Grim Reaper...

🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

The Orange one even gets a mention when there is no diary!!👏😂

I knew there would be an early post today!😆

🤣😂🤣

Who copied who? 😂😂 x

🤣🤣

🤣🤣

You’ll stay really really, no really safe with no eye holes in your Lone Ranger mask - hope you’re not thinking of taking the Cap’n out wearing it today ...... if so, I’m glad I’m not in Suffolk 😂😂🤣🤣!!

Or wear as a chin support... equally effective!

😂

Ha ha. Where’s James when you need him. He could be Tonto and you could ride off on Silver and The General 😂

Makes you look like you’ve got protruding eyes. Watch out for the pond we don’t want you drowning before tomorrow. A more apt one for Glump would cover the whole face and be soundproof around the mouth area. That way he could talk rubbish but we wouldn’t hear it . Win win. X

Couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing.....but then again those words were spouted from his orange mouth 😳x

And the award for retarded orange buffoon goes to........

🤦🏻‍♂️

You couldn’t make it up you really couldn’t 🤦‍♀️

Well that's considerably cleaner than a post I saw back along on how not to wear a face mask. It involved a nose not being covered by said facemask and a pair of underpants with another part of the male anatomy not being covered!! Need I say more....😳🤦‍♀️🤣xx

I still think the best face mask for Trumpalumpa is an airtight plastic bag over his whole head! 🤪

Think that’s how the orange one goes through life🤣🤣🤣

🤣 send it to him.

That’s why he has difficulty reading. Wonder where he puts his glasses.

View more comments

Dear Diary

Day 101 of Lockdown in the UK - 2nd July 2020

Morning Woodentops

That’s it then.

See ya.

You still here?

Just kidding, I’ll spout some more nonsense before I go, but I really need to get a few hours back each day now as it’s gone kinda busy! I will still be posting every day as I always have done, so do ‘Follow’ and ‘Like’ us as it helps to know you’re all out there, as indeed you have been through all this mess! Thank you so much to every single one of you! You’re are fopping awesome!

I am hoping that we can present this whole thing to you very soon, thanks to the assistance of Woodentop Louise, as a downloadable PDF from our websites, so stay tooned. We’ll try and raise a few quid with it.

101 days. How jolly apt, as much of this roller coaster has been a veritable cornucopia of ‘Room 101’ ramblings and rants from me about everything from COVIDiots, to the orange one and his cronies, to adverts and plebeian behaviour on beaches or protests. I’ve also been known to pipe up once or twice over the last 101 days on those we have the pleasure and fortune to be led by. I was initially very supportive of our own government as you will recall, right up until they proudly displayed their true colours and utter ineptitude at almost everything. I pleaded for a situation where the major parties would work together for the greater good, and we all supported them. But that never happened. Our country is too full of selfish, self-centred ignoramuses. And that’s just at the top, being repeated at the bottom. The only difference in the tiers is the size of the ego and sense of entitlement. Hey ho, I tried. But I didn’t make a difference. The only thing it seems that I did make a difference in, is adding a smile to your faces every day during this, so I’m happy with that.

As you know, I went to Londontown to spend the day with Lauren yesterday and we had an amazing time. On the way down I passed a car boot sale at Marks Tey, and even from the A12 I was disheartened to see that it was rammed to the gills with Burgertards, desperately hoping they can pick up some new old tut with which to emblazon the mantelpiece back at their lair.

As it’s Day 101 I'd like to submit the parking app ‘Ringo’ for Room 101 please. I last used it with my previous car, which bore the same number plate. As I tried to input my details yesterday in the London Borough of Hackney, the app insisted I was trying to park a Mercedes, even though I told it I wasn’t. I then went into ‘my vehicles’ and updated the manufacturer, even getting confirmation that I'd done so. Head back to square one to attempt to do it again, and it still insisted that I was trying to park my old car. I repeated this process four times, and as you can imagine my demeanour simply remained calm as this was really how I wanted to spend 20 minutes of my Daughter's birthday. All of that is true apart from the calm demeanour. I may have told an itsy-bitsy vegan porky pie on that bit. I'm afraid that I can't share with you the names I was calling the ‘Ringo’ app. In the end the only solution was for Lauren to register her Range Rover and successfully park it, as she and Ringo have no history. Oh how I miss being able to put coins in a machine.

We decided to have a go at that thing we used to do in the old days, called shopping. It’s where you walk around big buildings with things on shelves for you to look at and buy. We drove to Westfield in Stratford with some trepidation, but actually it was okay so we didn’t turn back and head home. There were a lot of people in there, but not too many to stop us distancing from them. Most of the shops were open, so Lauren was able to have a good browse and pick up some extra birthday treats. We then went back to Lauren’s garden for lunch as she’d made us yummy vegan burgers and fries. We had great fun as I tested out some of this Sunday’s quizzy on her, sent in by Woodntops Neill, and Debbie. What you may not know is that Lauren has also been involved in doing a weekly quiz for her company too, so some of her questions may appear as well. For this weeks quiz, She had evolved our logos round, spelling out the name of her organisation in letters taken from well known brands, so we proceeded to do the same for Woodfarm, and you’ll see that this Sunday for definite. We had fun doing it and we think you’re gonna like it! It was hard to leave her without a hug again, and I hope the day will come soon that I can do so.

Talking of that there Londonshire, I hear that whilst mask wearing is mandatory on public transport, TFL and the transport companies have told their staff that they must not enforce it, and in some cases have issued written warnings to those who have tried. Can please somebody explain that one to me? Those that have somehow been thrust in front of us as our leaders are nothing short of pathetic in my humble. This comes right from the top, and is embarrassingly inadequate. Is it any wonder that this virus is not going away? I cannot begin to tell you some of the words that I want to use right now, but as it is our last diary day together I won’t do it. I get that they’d face abuse from knuckle-dragging simians and anthropoids, but surely they should be allowed to say “Could you please put a mask on for my safety and that of all our other passengers” in attempt to stem the flow of the virus?. But no, what they do is make it mandatory, but not. Stay home, but don’t. Don’t go to Barnard Castle, but do. Clear messages all the way.

Apparently Transport for London is “confident that its passengers will just understand the rules”. Yeah, like they understood that they weren't to go elbow to elbow when they were protesting the other week throughout London? How the hell do these people get senior jobs?. It is totally and utterly beyond me? I spent a great deal of my earlier working life in the corporate world, and it was very much dog eat dog to get to the top. But most of the time I saw a lot of smart people at the top. I think it’s a little different in the commercial world to that of the civil service, which I started my career in, so am fully qualified to comment on.

Whilst I’m having a pop at the top, I can confirm I have nothing but disdain for Michael Gove. He’s been useless in every post he’s had and lost, but I’m not going to talk about him. I want to stick his vile wife Sarah Vine in Room 101 now. For months we’ve been applauding the work of our NHS Heroes, and she’s come out and shown exactly how much respect she and her ilk have for them. In her vastly overpaid column for the Daily Mail she has publicly stated that she is not siding with Doctors getting anxious about the tide of beered-up COVIDiots flooding A&E this Saturday as the pubs re-open. She feels that this will be a sign that we are returning to normality. "What better sign that Britain is getting back to normal than a load of Saturday night drunks clogging up A&E". You pathetic, ignorant, piece of over-entitled scum. How fopping dare you to think that this can be a good thing. If anyone knows her, please forward this as I’d love to have a chat about what’s right and what’s wrong. Oh, and please ask her to bring her husband too. “Super Saturday” she’s calling it. I’m calling it “Stay at home Saturday”.

I have decided that this whole debacle is merely a spelling mistake though. For years we have referred to ‘The Upper Class’. But all we’ve done is spell it wrong. It’s us versus ‘The Upper Crass’. We are merely cannon fodder for economic health versus public health, getting back to the ‘Herd immunity’ that they spouted at the start of all this, which I never really understood as a good thing. This air of celebration about getting going again is wrong. So wrong. I’m starting again with real caution and trepidation, knowing that my business can do this very safely, sensibly and securely. We need to put one foot in front of the other very gingerly, but I fear that a stampede is just on the horizon, with you and I sandwiched in-between the Upper Crass and the Pond Life. Our PM has publicly stated that the “real hero” of ‘Jaws’ was the Mayor of Amity, who kept the beaches open, whilst the Great White Shark circled and picked off victims. That’s art imitating life right there dear Woodentops, and we are merely players. All we can do is stay off the beach.

And one last time from the land of the free, The President of The United States has bought up virtually all stocks of the drug Remdesivir, shown to reduce the recovery time of COVID-19 patients. Scientists say it could delay the UK’s access to the treatment until October. I love it when we stick together and look out for each other. All this yesterday, on the day that they saw their highest number of new cases again. He said "I think we're going to be very good with the coronavirus. I think that at some point that's going to sort of just disappear”. He said that in. March, remember?. When they had one death, not 120,000. I think he’s started waking up with his fingers crossed now.

The Flumpet announced yesterday that “the President is the most informed man on planet Earth”. Really Ms McDoolally?. I’m not sure if she meant deformed instead, but it is no secret that he merely skims and makes up his own version of events. I will sign off my ramblings about this man, that you have all followed and agreed with over the last 101 days, by saying that in my opinion by the end of 2020 he will not be the President, but will have been responsible by his actions and inactions, for the deaths of thousands and thousands of innocent Americans. It wouldn't surprise me if he was also among that number, if not from COVID-19, then a heart attack. I don't wish that upon anyone and I am not saying I hope that’s what happens at all. But I hope that for whatever reason, this man is no longer in office come November. That is their only chance of survival. I have a feeling he may remove himself to protect his ego from not getting voted. He’ll probably just say “I’m not doing this any more because you are all stupid. And fake”.

I popped in to see my local soothsayer on the way back from Londonville yesterday, and can confirm that I know, as I bid you farewell in the diary at least, how it is all going to end for Ronald Stump. I have it on high authority that as he spirals ever downwards as the numbers spiral ever upwards, one morning the Secret Service are going to find him taking his dying breath on the White House front lawn in just his underpants, with a couple of pencils up his nose and a pair of empty bottles of disinfectant by his side. His last words? “I made wibble great again”.

Right then, that really is it. Over the last 101 days I’ve written 193,548 words in this diary, starting it with no idea of what I was doing, what I was saying, where it was going or when it would end. I’ll be honest, I thought it’d be about three weeks, but that was not to be. I genuinely have no words that can sum up how grateful I am for the support you’ve all shown me, and the community we’ve created. It wasn’t me, it was all of us. It was a team effort. As we’ve seen so much crumble around us, we somehow found some sense of strength and community on here, simply because we are ordinary, decent people, doing our best to get through this.

I’ve sworn a little bit, which I never thought I’d publicly do, for fear of damaging my professional reputation. But somehow it’s not seemed important and these seem to have been forgiving times. I’ve been very open with you. I’ve shared my feelings at losing my business that I’ve spent over a decade working quite hard on, and I’ve told you about my new-found job as Deli-Boy, which became my salvation as it got me out of the house twice a week. Today marks the day that Deli-Girl will be out there doing my old rounds for her first time. Good luck Michelle, you’ll be great. That makes me smile, as they are her customers! I just felt that they became mine. It was awesome being in the Deli-gang. I’ve told you very openly some of the ways I go about marketing my business, as we prepare to open the doors once more. You’ve all been involved. Don’t forget it was you guys who added the Doggos to our new posters, which are being framed as we speak. £35 a pair for limited edition framed prints, including P&P. Jolly good value if you ask me. Actually it is, as there’s no profit in there.

My business isn’t rocket science. It never has been and it never will be. I just do what I love doing, and I care about it, that’s all. I’ve created places to stay, that I would want to stay in, and treat people how I would wish to be treated. My guest experience is everything to me, and that’s how every business should be run. Michelle is exceptional at it. Phil is too. My mate Mark at The Orange Tree in Thornham is. My mate Justin is in his IT business. My mate Bryan is with his catering business, and my Chef mate Mark. All of my friends that I’ve mentioned with their own businesses throughout the last 101 days simply ‘get it’. But that’s what makes us quite good at what we do. I hope that doesn’t sound big-headed as it isn’t meant to be. I truly wish every business ran this way as although we’d have stiffer competition, the world would be a nicer place. That said, I confess once more to enjoying the sense of schadenfreude when I see it not happening. Repeatedly.

I’ve ranted. A lot. A helluva lot. And it’s been cathartic. I’ve needed to. Because I’m human, just like you, and I’ve gone through a tough time, as we all have. And you’ve listened to my rants, and you’ve tended to agree most of the time with them. Because we are all a certain type of person. Hopefully the sort that will get through this by doing the right thing. And if we don’t, at least we tried. So many of you are my regular guests who are booked in to come and stay soon. I can’t wait to see you, even though we can’t hug. But when we can hug again, I’m gonna squeeze you all like toothpaste! And so many of you are new guests who have been along for this journey and have booked a Barn or Barge break. I can’t wait to see you guys too, as it’ll be great to meet new friends. And one day you will get the toothpaste tube treatment too. And many of you I will never meet, but you’ve still been on this coronatrain with us all, and I’m grateful for that. I truly hope that you all stick with us as I post some normal stuff on Bookface. I will still post stupid things, I promise. I always have done. And please stick with us as regulars at the Woodfarm Arms for the Pub Quiz on the first Sunday of every month. We’ll be starting this Sunday at 6.30pm. I’d like to see you all there as we have such a laugh, but I’d also appreciate your presence for no other reason than I’ve got loads of bloody T-Shirts I need to give away!

Oh, and on Sunday I'll be giving away two free holidays to NHS Heroes, as well as announcing the winner of our 11th Birthday Competition, who will also be getting a free break! This ended yesterday, with the highest number of entrants we have EVER had for one of our competitions. We had 4,252 entrants, which is bonkers! I will be drawing all three of those on Sunday using an online random number generator. So make sure you're there, it could be you!

As I bid thee farewell on this chapter I want to close by simply saying one last thing from the bottom of my heart;

Thank you. We did this together and you all f*****g rock!

Stay safe

X
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Dear Diary

Day 101 of Lockdown in the UK - 2nd July 2020

Morning Woodentops

That’s it then. 

See ya.

You still here?

Just kidding, I’ll spout some more nonsense before I go, but I really need to get a few hours back each day now as it’s gone kinda busy! I will still be posting every day as I always have done, so do ‘Follow’ and ‘Like’ us as it helps to know you’re all out there, as indeed you have been through all this mess! Thank you so much to every single one of you! You’re are fopping awesome!

I am hoping that we can present this whole thing to you very soon, thanks to the assistance of Woodentop Louise, as a downloadable PDF from our websites, so stay tooned. We’ll try and raise a few quid with it.

101 days. How jolly apt, as much of this roller coaster has been a veritable cornucopia of ‘Room 101’ ramblings and rants from me about everything from COVIDiots, to the orange one and his cronies, to adverts and plebeian behaviour on beaches or protests. I’ve also been known to pipe up once or twice over the last 101 days on those we have the pleasure and fortune to be led by. I was initially very supportive of our own government as you will recall, right up until they proudly displayed their true colours and utter ineptitude at almost everything. I pleaded for a situation where the major parties would work together for the greater good, and we all supported them. But that never happened. Our country is too full of selfish, self-centred ignoramuses. And that’s just at the top, being repeated at the bottom. The only difference in the tiers is the size of the ego and sense of entitlement. Hey ho, I tried. But I didn’t make a difference. The only thing it seems that I did make a difference in, is adding a smile to your faces every day during this, so I’m happy with that.

As you know, I went to Londontown to spend the day with Lauren yesterday and we had an amazing time. On the way down I passed a car boot sale at Marks Tey, and even from the A12 I was disheartened to see that it was rammed to the gills with Burgertards, desperately hoping they can pick up some new old tut with which to emblazon the mantelpiece back at their lair. 

As it’s Day 101 Id like to submit the parking app ‘Ringo’ for Room 101 please. I last used it with my previous car, which bore the same number plate. As I tried to input my details yesterday in the London Borough of Hackney, the app insisted I was trying to park a Mercedes, even though I told it I wasn’t. I then went into ‘my vehicles’ and updated the manufacturer, even getting confirmation that Id done so. Head back to square one to attempt to do it again, and it still insisted that I was trying to park my old car. I repeated this process four times, and as you can imagine my demeanour simply remained calm as this was really how I wanted to spend 20 minutes of my Daughters birthday. All of that is true apart from the calm demeanour. I may have told an itsy-bitsy vegan porky pie on that bit. Im afraid that I cant share with you the names I was calling the ‘Ringo’ app. In the end the only solution was for Lauren to register her Range Rover and successfully park it, as she and Ringo have no history. Oh how I miss being able to put coins in a machine.

We decided to have a go at that thing we used to do in the old days, called shopping. It’s where you walk around big buildings with things on shelves for you to look at and buy. We drove to Westfield in Stratford with some trepidation, but actually it was okay so we didn’t turn back and head home. There were a lot of people in there, but not too many to stop us distancing from them. Most of the shops were open, so Lauren was able to have a good browse and pick up some extra birthday treats. We then went back to Lauren’s garden for lunch as she’d made us yummy vegan burgers and fries. We had great fun as I tested out some of this Sunday’s quizzy on her, sent in by Woodntops Neill, and Debbie. What you may not know is that Lauren has also been involved in doing a weekly quiz for her company too, so some of her questions may appear as well. For this weeks quiz, She had evolved our logos round, spelling out the name of her organisation in letters taken from well known brands, so we proceeded to do the same for Woodfarm, and you’ll see that this Sunday for definite. We had fun doing it and we think you’re gonna like it! It was hard to leave her without a hug again, and I hope the day will come soon that I can do so.

Talking of that there Londonshire, I hear that whilst mask wearing is mandatory on public transport, TFL and the transport companies have told their staff that they must not enforce it, and in some cases have issued written warnings to those who have tried. Can please somebody explain that one to me? Those that have somehow been thrust in front of us as our leaders are nothing short of pathetic in my humble. This comes right from the top, and is embarrassingly inadequate. Is it any wonder that this virus is not going away? I cannot begin to tell you some of the words that I want to use right now, but as it is our last diary day together I won’t do it. I get that they’d face abuse from knuckle-dragging simians and anthropoids, but surely they should be allowed to say “Could you please put a mask on for my safety and that of all our other passengers” in attempt to stem the flow of the virus?. But no, what they do is make it mandatory, but not. Stay home, but don’t. Don’t go to Barnard Castle, but do. Clear messages all the way.

Apparently Transport for London is “confident that its passengers will just understand the rules”. Yeah, like they understood that they werent to go elbow to elbow when they were protesting the other week throughout London? How the hell do these people get senior jobs?. It is totally and utterly beyond me? I spent a great deal of my earlier working life in the corporate world, and it was very much dog eat dog to get to the top. But most of the time I saw a lot of smart people at the top. I think it’s a little different in the commercial world to that of the civil service, which I started my career in, so am fully qualified to comment on.

Whilst I’m having a pop at the top, I can confirm I have nothing but disdain for Michael Gove. He’s been useless in every post he’s had and lost, but I’m not going to talk about him. I want to stick his vile wife Sarah Vine in Room 101 now. For months we’ve been applauding the work of our NHS Heroes, and she’s come out and shown exactly how much respect she and her ilk have for them. In her vastly overpaid column for the Daily Mail she has publicly stated that she is not siding with Doctors getting anxious about the tide of beered-up COVIDiots flooding A&E this Saturday as the pubs re-open. She feels that this will be a sign that we are returning to normality. What better sign that Britain is getting back to normal than a load of Saturday night drunks clogging up A&E. You pathetic, ignorant, piece of over-entitled scum. How fopping dare you to think that this can be a good thing. If anyone knows her, please forward this as I’d love to have a chat about what’s right and what’s wrong. Oh, and please ask her to bring her husband too. “Super Saturday” she’s calling it. I’m calling it “Stay at home Saturday”. 

I have decided that this whole debacle is merely a spelling mistake though. For years we have referred to ‘The Upper Class’. But all we’ve done is spell it wrong. It’s us versus ‘The Upper Crass’. We are merely cannon fodder for economic health versus public health, getting back to the ‘Herd immunity’ that they spouted at the start of all this, which I never really understood as a good thing. This air of celebration about getting going again is wrong. So wrong. I’m starting again with real caution and trepidation, knowing that my business can do this very safely, sensibly and securely. We need to put one foot in front of the other very gingerly, but I fear that a stampede is just on the horizon, with you and I sandwiched in-between the Upper Crass and the Pond Life. Our PM has publicly stated that the “real hero” of ‘Jaws’ was the Mayor of Amity, who kept the beaches open, whilst the Great White Shark circled and picked off victims. That’s art imitating life right there dear Woodentops, and we are merely players. All we can do is stay off the beach.

And one last time from the land of the free, The President of The United States has bought up virtually all stocks of the drug Remdesivir, shown to reduce the recovery time of COVID-19 patients. Scientists say it could delay the UK’s access to the treatment until October. I love it when we stick together and look out for each other. All this yesterday, on the day that they saw their highest number of new cases again. He said  I think were going to be very good with the coronavirus. I think that at some point thats going to sort of just disappear”. He said that in. March, remember?. When they had one death, not 120,000. I think he’s started waking up with his fingers crossed now.

The Flumpet announced yesterday that “the President is the most informed man on planet Earth”. Really Ms McDoolally?. I’m not sure if she meant deformed instead, but it is no secret that he merely skims and makes up his own version of events. I will sign off my ramblings about this man, that you have all followed and agreed with over the last 101 days, by saying that in my opinion by the end of 2020 he will not be the President, but will have been responsible by his actions and inactions, for the deaths of thousands and thousands of innocent Americans. It wouldnt surprise me if he was also among that number, if not from COVID-19, then a heart attack. I dont wish that upon anyone and I am not saying I hope that’s what happens at all. But I hope that for whatever reason, this man is no longer in office come November.  That is their only chance of survival. I have a feeling he may remove himself to protect his ego from not getting voted. He’ll probably just say “I’m not doing this any more because you are all stupid. And fake”.

I popped in to see my local soothsayer on the way back from Londonville yesterday, and can confirm that I know, as I bid you farewell in the diary at least, how it is all going to end for Ronald Stump. I have it on high authority that as he spirals ever downwards as the numbers spiral ever upwards, one morning the Secret Service are going to find him taking his dying breath on the White House front lawn in just his underpants, with a couple of pencils up his nose and a pair of empty bottles of disinfectant by his side. His last words? “I made wibble great again”.

Right then, that really is it. Over the last 101 days I’ve written 193,548 words in this diary, starting it with no idea of what I was doing, what I was saying, where it was going or when it would end. I’ll be honest, I thought it’d be about three weeks, but that was not to be. I genuinely have no words that can sum up how grateful I am for the support you’ve all shown me, and the community we’ve created. It wasn’t me, it was all of us. It was a team effort. As we’ve seen so much crumble around us, we somehow found some sense of strength and community on here, simply because we are ordinary, decent people, doing our best to get through this.

I’ve sworn a little bit, which I never thought I’d publicly do, for fear of damaging my professional reputation. But somehow it’s not seemed important and these seem to have been forgiving times. I’ve been very open with you. I’ve shared my feelings at losing my business that I’ve spent over a decade working quite hard on, and I’ve told you about my new-found job as Deli-Boy, which became my salvation as it got me out of the house twice a week. Today marks the day that Deli-Girl will be out there doing my old rounds for her first time. Good luck Michelle, you’ll be great. That makes me smile, as they are her customers! I just felt that they became mine. It was awesome being in the Deli-gang. I’ve told you very openly some of the ways I go about marketing my business, as we prepare to open the doors once more. You’ve all been involved. Don’t forget it was you guys who added the Doggos to our new posters, which are being framed as we speak. £35 a pair for limited edition framed prints, including P&P. Jolly good value if you ask me. Actually it is, as there’s no profit in there.

My business isn’t rocket science. It never has been and it never will be. I just do what I love doing, and I care about it, that’s all. I’ve created places to stay, that I would want to stay in, and treat people how I would wish to be treated. My guest experience is everything to me, and that’s how every business should be run. Michelle is exceptional at it. Phil is too. My mate Mark at The Orange Tree in Thornham is. My mate Justin is in his IT business. My mate Bryan is with his catering business, and my Chef mate Mark. All of my friends that I’ve mentioned with their own businesses throughout the last 101 days simply ‘get it’. But that’s what makes us quite good at what we do. I hope that doesn’t sound big-headed as it isn’t meant to be. I truly wish every business ran this way as although we’d have stiffer competition, the world would be a nicer place. That said, I confess once more to enjoying the sense of schadenfreude when I see it not happening. Repeatedly.

I’ve ranted. A lot. A helluva lot. And it’s been cathartic. I’ve needed to. Because I’m human, just like you, and I’ve gone through a tough time, as we all have. And you’ve listened to my rants, and you’ve tended to agree most of the time with them. Because we are all a certain type of person. Hopefully the sort that will get through this by doing the right thing. And if we don’t, at least we tried. So many of you are my regular guests who are booked in to come and stay soon. I can’t wait to see you, even though we can’t hug. But when we can hug again, I’m gonna squeeze you all like toothpaste! And so many of you are new guests who have been along for this journey and have booked a Barn or Barge break. I can’t wait to see you guys too, as it’ll be great to meet new friends. And one day you will get the toothpaste tube treatment too. And many of you I will never meet, but you’ve still been on this coronatrain with us all, and I’m grateful for that. I truly hope that you all stick with us as I post some normal stuff on Bookface. I will still post stupid things, I promise. I always have done. And please stick with us as regulars at the Woodfarm Arms for the Pub Quiz on the first Sunday of every month. We’ll be starting this Sunday at 6.30pm. I’d like to see you all there as we have such a laugh, but I’d also appreciate your presence for no other reason than I’ve got loads of bloody T-Shirts I need to give away!

Oh, and on Sunday Ill be giving away two free holidays to NHS Heroes, as well as announcing the winner of our 11th Birthday Competition, who will also be getting a free break! This ended yesterday, with the highest number of entrants we have EVER had for one of our competitions. We had 4,252 entrants, which is bonkers! I will be drawing all three of those on Sunday using an online random number generator. So make sure youre there, it could be you!

As I bid thee farewell on this chapter I want to close by simply saying one last thing from the bottom of my heart; 

Thank you. We did this together and you all f*****g rock!

Stay safe

X

Comment on Facebook Dear Diary Day 101 ...

My friend lives at Marks Tey. In the flats on the left of the roundabout. Just down the road from where I think the car boot is. She’s got God on her side so she was probably there.

Thank you for your ramblings! What am I going to read over my morning cuppa now?! Seriously- I wish you and your business all the very best and I’m sure that you will bounce back, with lots of old and new visitors. I will be looking to book in the future, hopefully for next year. X

Morning thanks for the rants it made me smile while trying to teach my grandson ( we break up today 😂) .enjoy your busy summer and will pop in for the quiz.

Thank you. For simply being yourself. Great stuff.

Thanks for the daily diary, it has made me laugh throughout this 101 day! All the very best as your business starts up again we are hoping to plan a stay sometime in the future x

I am an ‘in the background Woodentop ‘ not usually a commenter but I really need to say thank you for taking the time to make lockdown fun! COVIDiot has made its way into our family’s everyday language and your names for the Flumpster have been hilarious.. You have made a difference ! X

Thank you Carl x

Wot am I meant to do at 7am every morning from now on?!?! U’ve been amazing hunny and ur business will now thrive because of ur gorgeous character. Thanks for getting us all through the tough times and keeping me up to date with lockdown politics both here and in the land of the Orange one 😂 xxx

Thank you! For all of your wandering messages, humour in tough times and the very clever ability to engage and keep people together in a period of such oddness and uncertainty. With my own little businesses struggling to continue currently, I don't know when we will be able to come back and book in with you again, but, we will and when we do, I know it will be amazing all over again because your properties are just the best. Good luck with the reopening and we hope to be able to come to stay again very soon.

We are not out of this yet but your rants have been a great way to start the day .... good luck!!

Hi Carl King of the Woodentops!Mixed emotions today. Sad this is the last diary. Happy your business can open & people can enjoy your fabulous barns & barges again. Anxiety & trepidation about “Super Saturday” ( should be Stupid Saturday ) pub openings. Fear and horror at the thought of wonderful NHS front line staff back to being abused & overrun with drunken arrogant ignorant louts who have no respect for the fact these people have put their lives on the line for all of us. Despair at ineptitude of politicians. But also gratitude for your making me start every one of the last 101 days with a smile and for being part of the lovely community of Woodentops. I pray we won’t have a second peak & lockdown. Stay safe Carl, all your friends family & staff and all Woodentop families. Looking forward to our next visits 😘😘😘

Thank you for keeping me entertained every morning and making me smile.... will miss your ramblings x

Morning Carlos, I’m really enjoying helping with the diary, so many things we talked about have popped up which I’d forgotten about. Finding the Limoncello recipe, your first day at the Deli, inviting NHS staff to use the barns, James getting the virus, (🥱😪), the Easter egg competition, the lettuce mask, the bonkers masks 😷, saying goodbye to the boat (sorry 😢), so many, it’s wonderful and amazing to have a record of this “unprecedented” time and, I think, even more important as time goes by. You’re a star and we thank you (and we’ll miss you) xx

Thank you Carl for all your daily ramblings. It’s kept us all sane over the past 101 days! Good luck going forward. We will see you in a couple of weeks in person but we will be at the pub on Sunday to join in with the usual chaos 😂😂😂. Take care, stay safe and keep busy (somehow I think the latter will be the norm from now on). Go get them !!! Xx 😘

Glad you had a fantastic day with Lauren. Guess the only answer to the car parking situation is to change your car back again 🙄. Once again, thank you for your daily company. Will try to pop in to the quiz. Good luck with getting the business going again and looking forward to seeing you September (🤞)

Thanks for the last 101 days its been a blast utterly proud to be a woodentop, just a little insight into the non enforcing of masks, when this all started the government stated one person per household to do the essential food shopping, so as a company my supermarket had signage made to that effect and had security on the doors along with a colleague from the management team trying to enforce it, the abuse we got was horrendous, I'm sure one store needed to call the police, so you see I can understand why the bus company's are saying it can't be enforced they are protecting their employees from abuse. Just my take it anyway. Anyhoo good luck with the reopening of your business I really hope it thrives to the same extent as it was prior to lockdown which I have no doubt it will and hopefully Jase and i will be able have a holiday and bring our new addition and you can meet them both

101 days reading your rambling...

Good morning God it was strange last night what the hell were we going to do at 6.30! Thank you for keeping us entertained over the last few months. We have got to know you personally and you have gone from the guy that owns the cottage we go to for a holiday to a friend as I am sure is the case with many of your followers. We feel we have made loads of new friends and at some point we are all going to have a major reunion when this is all over. I for one hope to actually meet some of these new friends in person and I thank them as well for making us laugh as well. Certainly looking forward to sharing a few Batemans with you in September. We are going to be with you for super bowl Sunday next February, so we may even get you into NFL. See you on Sunday Take care

Carl, This is my first post to you after reading with pleasure your daily diary entries. I’m probably one of many that wants to comment but doesn’t (and not just weird) Having not commented, I have felt like a parent snooping into a teenagers thoughts! So today is the day to reveal myself, to wish you and your business well. My business is beauty (facials for the ladies, and a few gents) so haven’t got a clue how and when my 9 year old business will overcome this. Thank you for your daily musings, it’s been a little breath of fresh air. From a Secret Woodentop

Thank you for stating my day with a smile. Your posts have become part of the new normal and I will miss them. Look forward to seeing you soon Take care x

Thank you for your posts, they have cheered me and I have looked forward to reading them each morning! Good luck with the reopening, your guests will enjoy it so much!

Thank you for the last 101 days of ramblings! One of the things to keep me sane! Good luck, hope to visit at some time in the future. X

Well that’s it then. My daily dose of musings by Carl over, a blank hole in my morning opens up. But hey it means Carl’s back in business which is good for you and your guests. I am so looking forward to the arrival of my posters - a birthday present to myself. Wishing you all the best in your business and personal life. See you Sunday x

Lovely Carl - you’ve made a difference to so many of us during these unprecedented times. Thank you for all the time, commitment and effort involved in providing your daily diary full of honesty, energy, humour and emotion. I know it’s certainly made me feel less lonely and isolated and it’s something I’ve looked forward to reading every single day. I’m so glad you’re able to get your business open again as the Woodfarm experience is something we all need to have in our lives. A big THANK YOU from little old me ❤️ stay safe and we’ll see you soon for a ‘toothpaste’ hug! Xx

Hi Carl Thanks for all the postings the last 101days....I have certainly learnt some new words.....can't believe that about Mayor Khan's TFL and non enforcement of masks..... ludicrously stupid.. anyway he's not really mayor now I believe..coz his tenure has ended..but elections were canx coz of Covid... Anyway went up the cliffs yesterday...was is in the right place at right time.... Saw a stoat with dinner....and directly above us... kestrel eyeing up stoat as dinner.... Then had a nice bike ride on the new steed.. Enjoy getting back to business and normality Thanks for entertaining us Woodentops mate Stay safe....piccy time

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Dear Diary

Day 100 of Lockdown in the UK - 1st July 2020

Morning Woodentops

A hundred days. I’m not sure I really know what to make of that? We've been in lockdown as a country for the last hundred days. I say we, I mean the sensible amongst us. Those of us who have done our best to accept the situation, stay locked down in our houses, other than where it has been necessary to go out, i.e. for food, medicine, or essential work. Once the measures were eased a little some of us ventured out for a very socially distant trip to the beach, or a park, or a lake, just to try and remember what life used to be like. Then there are the other people. Them. You know the ones. The selfish, the ignorant, the stupid, the close personal friends of the Prime Minister et cetera. Those who walk among us without being required to follow the rules for our collective safety, or at least believing that they don't. This is what will cause the problem to return if and when it does. Thank you ever so much on behalf of mankind Burgertards, Beach bums, Protest Bandwagon-Jumpers, and Chief Advisors to the PM.

As I prepare my business to get started again this weekend, with as many measures in place in my socially distant Barns and Barges as I can think of (no guidance from above), I fear that there are still many thousands of people, possibly millions, who still simply do not get it. But I'm powerless to control their actions or indeed the consequences. Only time will tell.

You'll be pleased to know that I finally have a cycle helmet, no thanks to Amazon. The one I ordered on there weeks and weeks ago still hasn't arrived, and the seller still hasn't contacted me. I do finally have a refund for it though despite zero communications whatsoever from them. If you are in the market for a cycle helmet, I'd suggest you don't buy one from Topnet if you're in a hurry. That’s Topnet in case you missed it. Topnet. You know these companies who make spurious claims about being the best in their industry, usually with no evidence to back this up? Whilst I can confirm that Topnet are not number one in the cycle helmet distribution industry (nor do they claim to be), I do want to share my thoughts on those who make these bold statements. It’s a bit of a Room 101 thing for me, and always has been.

I saw a lorry yesterday for a local company, and emblazoned on the front of the cab were the words “Number 1 in recycled aggregates”. My assumption is that we are supposed to see that ‘fact’ and immediately order from them. I have ordered from them numerous times in the past as they are just down the road, and in the building of Woodfarm I have had reason to order thousands of tonnes of various aggregates many moons ago. I am not sure though what makes them number one? And are they claiming to be number one in the world, or just number one in great Blakenham where they are based, and indeed are the only supplier of recycled aggregates there?. I have decided that if the goose can do it, so can the gander, and I can now confirm to you all with a sense of pride and achievement that Woodfarm Barns and Barges are the number one holiday accommodation provider in the world! If you would like to fact check this then simply question the source of this research for yourself for confirmation. All you need to do is ask my Mum. And my Dad. There you go, conclusive evidence.

I will tell you though that there is also a company that claims to be No.1 in their industry, but they do so in the name of mirth, so that’s ok. There is firm in the emptying of sewage tanks business, who use the strapline “Number one for Number twos”. Sorry, I know it’s a bit gross, and you are possibly tucking in to your granola, but I always find that one amusing when I see it.

Talking of being numero uno, Boris said yesterday in his speech that Britain had the best medical professionals in the world. Now as you know, I have nothing but admiration for our incredible NHS staff, and I am going to make two of them very happy on Sunday as I give a couple of holidays away, but I've also heard another leader of a nation make the same claim very recently. A sort of orangey tinted guy over in America. And I am sure there are other world leaders making the same claim as they vie for votes. Now I don't doubt that Boris is very proud of our healthcare service personnel, whereas the other fellow merely states that anything associated with him is great. But the fact remains that for both of them to claim that they have the best in the world means that one of them is lying. Fact. They can’t both have the best in the world can they? I just simply do not get how these people can be allowed to get away with making stuff up without backing up their claims?. What makes our medical professionals better than those in the States, or vice versa? It’s just vote-grabbing rhetoric and it annoys me.

Anyway, in far more positive news I have received yet another lovely gift courtesy of you lot!. Woodentops Louise and Jacob very kindly sent me through a selection of wellness products so that I can relax and unwind once I finish the diary and get our first batch of guests in and settled. Thank you so much guys, it is much appreciated. And as if that wasn’t enough, Louise has also, very kindly volunteered to try and put my 190,000+ words and 350+ pictures all together in one document in order for us to create a PDF to put on the website. This is undoubtedly going to take some time so please bear with us, and hopefully we will be able to provide you with a complete version of the diary in the not too distant future.

Oh, and you remember me sharing the news with you of new life at planet Woodfarm, released back into the pond? I can confirm that our new fishes have names, courtesy of Woodentop Beverley. She came up with a couple of crackers, which will definitely stick. Ladytops and Gentletops, I can reveal that our new baby fishes shall henceforth be known as Bizzy and Quizzy!

Well, there’s a lockdown in Leicester. Only there actually isn't. All afternoon yesterday I heard people from Leicester calling in to LBC with tales of everything just being exactly as it normally is. So it would seem as though it’s situation same as always, as indeed it has been throughout the entirety of lockdown. Ordinary decent human beings being told they must lockdown and obeying, whilst the ignorant, selfish, vile Burgertards just crack on as normal. I would imagine that they are probably the ones spreading coronavirus don’t you?. I also heard Matt Hancock say that if people didn't take it seriously then they would introduce tougher measures. Now I don't run a country, but if I did, under the circumstances in this sort of situation, I think I would take those more drastic measures from the start, as opposed to allowing knuckle dragging trash to go about their business, risking the lives of others. It sounds a little like the epic quarantine measures that were introduced just recently for five minutes. “Oh go on, please do as you’re told, I’ll be your best friend”.

I heard some other very odd things on the radio yesterday, that left me befuddled and scratching my head. In the aforementioned speech where we learned that Britain has the best medical professionals in the world, our illustrious leader also threw a new catchphrase at us, laden with his favourite letter, the ‘B’. I’m pretty certain that some Neuro-linguistic programming expert told him to use lots of ‘B’s, as it’d provide a subconscious association with his name as a strong affirmation. I’ve got another couple beginning with B, but I don’t think he’ll use them. Apparently we are going to “Build back better and build back bolder”. Why oh why do these people spend more time and energy on what they believe to be great speeches, slogans, strap lines and words of wisdom, than actually channelling that force into effective governance and solutions? I would much prefer it if somebody capable stood up there and said “Right, this is what we are going to do. We're not really sure what's going on, however we feel that the best course of action, and we really need you all to help us, is……”. Please just stop it with your inane use of building a bang a buck a bong a better bing a bolder bung for Britain Boris. It’s childish and embarrassing.

I also heard yesterday that sectors of the Black lives matter movement are seeking to abolish the Police Force because that’s what they’re planning in America. I’m not going anywhere near the contentious issue of racism in our country, but abolishing the Police Force? Yeah, that will really go well won't it?. Our streets full of knuckle-dragging, feral COVIDiots is definitely the sensible way forward.

�Is it any wonder the Americans have got the problems that they have, and the complete lack of respect for authority (worse that than the UK), when their leadership send such mixed messages? I watched an interview with Dr Fauci this morning, and was pleased to see that he was wearing a mask. Until he took it off. And put it back on again. And took it off again. And kept fondling it. I have had several conversations with friends recently over why there is still an issue both here and over there, as well as around the world. We can only conclude, as I have said to you on many occasions, that it is down to stupidity. That doesn't mean that everybody that contracts coronavirus is stupid, far from it. What I am saying is those that are stupid have a far higher chance of getting it. For a hundred days now I have been banging on about us just needing to be sensible in order to do our very best to not become a victim. That is the best we can do and the best we can hope for. If every person in the world did this, it’d disappear a lot quicker.

Sorry I’ve had a right old rant today, I think I’m over-tired. Add some caffeine to that and this is the end result. I’m possibly a little tense about re-opening for the weekend, though I’m sure we’ll nail it. As you can see, the new shower room in Woodfarm House is pretty much finished!

Right you lot, it’s my bambino's 28th Birthday today, so I’m back off to that there Londonshire to see my favourite human. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I’ll see you tomorrow for the final diary entry.

Stay safe

X
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Dear Diary

Day 100 of Lockdown in the UK - 1st July 2020

Morning Woodentops

A hundred days. I’m not sure I really know what to make of that? Weve been in lockdown as a country for the last hundred days. I say we, I mean the sensible amongst us. Those of us who have done our best to accept the situation, stay locked down in our houses, other than where it has been necessary to go out, i.e. for food, medicine, or essential work. Once the measures were eased a little some of us ventured out for a very socially distant trip to the beach, or a park, or a lake, just to try and remember what life used to be like. Then there are the other people. Them. You know the ones. The selfish, the ignorant, the stupid, the close personal friends of the Prime Minister et cetera. Those who walk among us without being required to follow the rules for our collective safety, or at least believing that they dont. This is what will cause the problem to return if and when it does. Thank you ever so much on behalf of mankind Burgertards, Beach bums, Protest Bandwagon-Jumpers, and Chief Advisors to the PM.

As I prepare my business to get started again this weekend, with as many measures in place in my socially distant Barns and Barges as I can think of (no guidance from above), I fear that there are still many thousands of people, possibly millions, who still simply do not get it. But Im powerless to control their actions or indeed the consequences. Only time will tell.

Youll be pleased to know that I finally have a cycle helmet, no thanks to Amazon. The one I ordered on there weeks and weeks ago still hasnt arrived, and the seller still hasnt contacted me. I do finally have a refund for it though despite zero communications whatsoever from them. If you are in the market for a cycle helmet, Id suggest you dont buy one from Topnet if youre in a hurry. That’s Topnet in case you missed it. Topnet. You know these companies who make spurious claims about being the best in their industry, usually with no evidence to back this up? Whilst I can confirm that Topnet are not number one in the cycle helmet distribution industry (nor do they claim to be), I do want to share my thoughts on those who make these bold statements. It’s a bit of a Room 101 thing for me, and always has been.

I saw a lorry yesterday for a local company, and emblazoned on the front of the cab were the words “Number 1 in recycled aggregates”. My assumption is that we are supposed to see that ‘fact’ and immediately order from them. I have ordered from them numerous times in the past as they are just down the road, and in the building of Woodfarm I have had reason to order thousands of tonnes of various aggregates many moons ago. I am not sure though what makes them number one? And are they claiming to be number one in the world, or just number one in great Blakenham where they are based, and indeed are the only supplier of recycled aggregates there?. I have decided that if the goose can do it, so can the gander, and I can now confirm to you all with a sense of pride and achievement that Woodfarm Barns and Barges are the number one holiday accommodation provider in the world! If you would like to fact check this then simply question the source of this research for yourself for confirmation. All you need to do is ask my Mum. And my Dad. There you go, conclusive evidence.

I will tell you though that there is also a company that claims to be No.1 in their industry, but they do so in the name of mirth, so that’s ok. There is firm in the emptying of sewage tanks business, who use the strapline “Number one for Number twos”. Sorry, I know it’s a bit gross, and you are possibly tucking in to your granola, but I always find that one amusing when I see it.

Talking of being numero uno, Boris said yesterday in his speech that Britain had the best medical professionals in the world. Now as you know, I have nothing but admiration for our incredible NHS staff, and I am going to make two of them very happy on Sunday as I give a couple of holidays away, but Ive also heard another leader of a nation make the same claim very recently. A sort of orangey tinted guy over in America. And I am sure there are other world leaders making the same claim as they vie for votes. Now I dont doubt that Boris is very proud of our healthcare service personnel, whereas the other fellow merely states that anything associated with him is great. But the fact remains that for both of them to claim that they have the best in the world means that one of them is lying. Fact. They can’t both have the best in the world can they? I just simply do not get how these people can be allowed to get away with making stuff up without backing up their claims?. What makes our medical professionals better than those in the States, or vice versa? It’s just vote-grabbing rhetoric and it annoys me.

Anyway, in far more positive news I have received yet another lovely gift courtesy of you lot!. Woodentops Louise and Jacob very kindly sent me through a selection of wellness products so that I can relax and unwind once I finish the diary and get our first batch of guests in and settled. Thank you so much guys, it is much appreciated. And as if that wasn’t enough, Louise has also, very kindly volunteered to try and put my 190,000+ words and 350+ pictures all together in one document in order for us to create a PDF to put on the website. This is undoubtedly going to take some time so please bear with us, and hopefully we will be able to provide you with a complete version of the diary in the not too distant future.

Oh, and you remember me sharing the news with you of new life at planet Woodfarm, released back into the pond? I can confirm that our new fishes have names, courtesy of Woodentop Beverley. She came up with a couple of crackers, which will definitely stick. Ladytops and Gentletops, I can reveal that our new baby fishes shall henceforth be known as Bizzy and Quizzy!

Well, there’s a lockdown in Leicester. Only there actually isnt. All afternoon yesterday I heard people from Leicester calling in to LBC with tales of everything just being exactly as it normally is. So it would seem as though it’s situation same as always, as indeed it has been throughout the entirety of lockdown. Ordinary decent human beings being told they must lockdown and obeying, whilst the ignorant, selfish, vile Burgertards just crack on as normal. I would imagine that they are probably the ones spreading coronavirus don’t you?. I also heard Matt Hancock say that if people didnt take it seriously then they would introduce tougher measures. Now I dont run a country, but if I did, under the circumstances in this sort of situation, I think I would take those more drastic measures from the start, as opposed to allowing knuckle dragging trash to go about their business, risking the lives of others. It sounds a little like the epic quarantine measures that were introduced just recently for five minutes. “Oh go on, please do as you’re told, I’ll be your best friend”.

I heard some other very odd things on the radio yesterday, that left me befuddled and scratching my head. In the aforementioned speech where we learned that Britain has the best medical professionals in the world, our illustrious leader also threw a new catchphrase at us, laden with his favourite letter, the ‘B’. I’m pretty certain that some Neuro-linguistic programming expert told him to use lots of ‘B’s, as it’d provide a subconscious association with his name as a strong affirmation. I’ve got another couple beginning with B, but I don’t think he’ll use them. Apparently we are going to “Build back better and build back bolder”. Why oh why do these people spend more time and energy on what they believe to be great speeches, slogans, strap lines and words of wisdom, than actually channelling that force into effective governance and solutions? I would much prefer it if somebody capable stood up there and said “Right, this is what we are going to do. Were not really sure whats going on, however we feel that the best course of action, and we really need you all to help us, is……”. Please just stop it with your inane use of building a bang a buck a bong a better bing a bolder bung for Britain Boris. It’s childish and embarrassing.

I also heard yesterday that sectors of the Black lives matter movement are seeking to abolish the Police Force because that’s what they’re planning in America. I’m not going anywhere near the contentious issue of racism in our country, but abolishing the Police Force? Yeah, that will really go well wont it?. Our streets full of knuckle-dragging, feral COVIDiots is definitely the sensible way forward.

�Is it any wonder the Americans have got the problems that they have, and the complete lack of respect for authority (worse that than the UK), when their leadership send such mixed messages? I watched an interview with Dr Fauci this morning, and was pleased to see that he was wearing a mask. Until he took it off. And put it back on again. And took it off again. And kept fondling it. I have had several conversations with friends recently over why there is still an issue both here and over there, as well as around the world. We can only conclude, as I have said to you on many occasions, that it is down to stupidity. That doesnt mean that everybody that contracts coronavirus is stupid, far from it. What I am saying is those that are stupid have a far higher chance of getting it. For a hundred days now I have been banging on about us just needing to be sensible in order to do our very best to not become a victim. That is the best we can do and the best we can hope for. If every person in the world did this, it’d disappear a lot quicker. 

Sorry I’ve had a right old rant today, I think I’m over-tired. Add some caffeine to that and this is the end result. I’m possibly a little tense about re-opening for the weekend, though I’m sure we’ll nail it. As you can see, the new shower room in Woodfarm House is pretty much finished!

Right you lot, it’s my bambinos 28th Birthday today, so I’m back off to that there Londonshire to see my favourite human. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I’ll see you tomorrow for the final diary entry.

Stay safe

X

Comment on Facebook 321936367892190_3119227514829714

Good luck for the opening weekend, it will be wonderful for all your guests! Have a safe trip to London and back! Wishing your daughter many happy returns! X

Good morning I am afraid the authorities have lost control of the Covid lockdown thing. So many people were allowed to get away with ignoring the original lockdown, so in situations like Leicester it will not be enforceable. We will continue to exercise caution. Have a great day with Lauren and we will have the box of tissues ready for tomorrow Take care

Good morning C. Scott... Looks like a brighter day today here in Greater London (Kent) 🤞.. The sun must be shining for Lauren's birthday...☀️ Happy Birthday Lauren!! 🎂🎉🎊🎈. Love the name for your baby fishes! ❤️Hmmmmm.. 🤔You better get your finger out with your shower room.. I can see a couple of late nights looming.. But I'm sure you will get it done...😳😳🙄 Not long to go now! Have a great day with your Bambino.. Safe journey. See you tomorrow for our very last day together... All your Woodentop will miss you terribly. 😭 xx

Can’t believe it’s the last one tomorrow 😢

Brilliant.....you really should be PM! Have loved reading your diary but todays just sums up perfectly so many of my own frustrations with the situation!

Good luck with the opening this weekend and a very happy birthday to Lauren. 🥂🎉🥂

😊 You’re very welcome, glad I could help. Those actually are the best smellies in the world! Love the fish names, made me laugh. Have a wonderful day, lots of love to Lauren, all the best people were born this week xxx PS it’s tricky using a laptop in a tent, but hopefully Jacob will let me sleep in the house soon!

Love the names Bizzy & Quizzy🤣 The sun is shining again in a blue sky here in Kent 🤗 so I’m off for usual dog walk then a bit of essential food shopping in local shops. Boris’ Build Build Build has me worried as there’s barely a blade of grass not built on round here - they’re cramming in new build boxes but we’re already often gridlocked on the roads & there’s no increases in hospitals, GPs , schools etc. The north Kent part of the Garden of England is fast becoming the Concrete Jungle of England! Plenty of brownfield sites but they’re more expensive to develop apparently 🤬 That’s my rant over. Happy Birthday Lauren 🎂🎊🎉 . Take care & stay safe xx

Good luck with your opening weekend - although you won’t need is as Woodfarm will be as wonderful a place to visit as it always is. Love the baby fishes’ names! Enjoy your trip to a London and Happy Birthday Lauren 🎂 xx

You deserve every good thing to happen to you. Enjoy your opening weekend and the results of your fantastic survival. Along the way you've made things more bearable for your stuck-indoors readers, quizzers and pub goers as well as deli customers. An impressive lockdown legacy Chief! Safe journey and good times in London. Perfect timing. I'll miss this start to my day but the fact that it's going means that life is returning to something that looks like (new) normal for you. Love being part of the Woodfam and looking forward to the quiz...and a vizz sometime.

Happy birthday to Lauren. 🎂 have a fab day. Good luck this weekend, it will all go swimmingly I’m sure. Choosing the A46 as part of the lockdown limit around Leicester seems a pragmatic choice but one that offers lots of entrance and exit points. Hmmmm......

Morning. Have a great day with Lauren and good luck with the opening at the weekend. I suspect that at this particular moment my son would be delighted if they disbanded the police force. He’s pretty disillusioned with us human beings right now 🙁

Have a lovely day in London for your daughters birthday and a huge Good Luck for you grand re opening at the weekend. It's my first day back at work today and the nerves are kicking in. I fear we will all be a little like Dr Evil in his spinning chair!!

Snazzy new helmet! If Amazon deliveries are anything like some delivery companies filmed secretly, it's no wonder you never got it! Bizzy & Quizzy - great names. Have a wonderful day with your daughter & a very happy birthday to Lauren. I'll be at work tomorrow & may miss your final entry till quite late so I want to wish you every continued success with your business and can't wait for my first stay at Woodfarm in August. Feel like I know you well already 😁xx

Happy Birthday to Lauren ..... lucky girl to have your dad !

Morning Chief and many happy returns of the day Lauren x have a lovely day together and stay safe and dry xx

It’s the final countdown....... 😥😥😥. As they say all good things must come to an end. Hopefully it means the start of getting our lives back (?!?). Enjoy your day with Lauren (Happy Birthday Loz). Love the names for the baby fishes! Stay safe. Catch you tomorrow xx

Congratulations on reaching your century! As always you put words to a lot of our thoughts.

Have a great birthday celebration. Snazzy helmet and great fish names. ✅ x

Morning Carl, I'm pleased you now have a cycle helmet. I must admit to being a little concerned the other day when I saw the photo of you not wearing one. Bob had a nasty accident about 100yds from our house several years ago when he slipped on ice whilst cycling and banged his head on the tarmac. We bought helmets for both of us after that incident. Enjoy the day with Lauren and wish her a happy birthday from us. (Cheers for all Cancerians!) Good luck for the grand (re)-opening at the weekend.

Happy birthday to Lauren and have a lovely day with her xx

Have a great day today and a fantastic reopening weekend 😀 x

Have a lovely day. Oh those Neom products are so lovely. I have the Neom pod diffuser I brought it for myself last year I was given a gift voucher for 20 years service at work, now I don’t know when it even if I will be going back 😏.

I'm going to miss your diary. They could make a film about your lockdown time. Enjoy your day with Lauren 🥰

Have a great day with Lauren. Happy birthday Lauren. Love the fish names and the new cycle helmet. Tonight at 6.30 will feel very strange but I am pleased that your reopening is about to happen. Take care on them there roads as yo go to the metropolis and stay safe x

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