Woodfarm Barns

6 days ago

Dear Diary

Day 67 of Lockdown in the UK - 29th May 2020

Morning Woodentops.

Hope you enjoyed the quiz the other night, including my very tenuous ‘brushes with celebs’. But the big news of course was our amazing new theme tune “Let’s get bizzy with the Quizzy”, written and performed by my very talented bandmate Fern, with guest vocals from my other talented bandmate Sam, and using sampled vocals from me (without my permission I might add!!!) It’s definitely got ‘Number. 1’ written all over it!

Well I had a successful Deli day yesterday. I measure success by a) getting all the right food to all the right people, b) hyping up (as Michelle puts it) the Deli team sufficiently, c) my car not requiring medical assistance, and d) me not getting any abuse! (Apart from the Deli team, but that’s the norm). Not only did I escape the wrath of my recent abuser, but I can tell you that I had the highest accolade that a volunteer delivery driver can get. I originally put my little delivery sign on my dashboard in the days when there were very few cars on the road, as I felt conspicuous out there, slowing down and seemingly ‘casing people’s joints’, whilst trying to find houses with names but no signs. Weird to think that this was only 6 weeks or so ago, but things have changed out there and my sign is probably academic now.

Anyhoo, back to my accolade. I only got a bloomin’ thumbs up from a Waitrose delivery driver didn’t I?!?!?! Yes indeedy, as a lowly volunteer I was acknowledged by the very upper echelons of the frontline food delivery elite, and it felt good I don’t mind telling you! But I didn’t let it go to my head folks, I just carried on with my rounds. I might have stopped at Bungay Town Hall on the way past to check if my keys to the town had arrived yet though. They hadn’t.

On Wednesday I had a meeting with my colleague Andrew. An actual meeting. You know the sort where you see each other not on a zoom screen, and discuss strategies and stuff, as you prepare to get the business out of hibernation. As you can see from the pic, we adhered to the guidelines (and common sense) and I’d even set up a special socially distanced al fresco coffee station, in which I’d anti-bacced everything, and provided gloves and anti-bac wipes. I set up a chair and desk (errmmm, folding table) for Andrew, which I anti-bac wiped down before his arrival at the Woodfarm fresh-air office that I’ve spent the last two months working in. I’ve never spent to long preparing for a meeting, and that was just cleaning!

We did good stuff! It was like the old days, where we came up with ideas, and ways to market the business. Fortunately, Andrew’s brain functions a bit like mine, in that he also comes up with daft gubbins that we think you’ll like. I think the creativity is because we are both musicians, but also ex-punks, so we occasionally hit on something innovative, but also don’t feel we have to be restricted by what is considered ‘the norm’. Neither of us were the nasty sort of punks that went round gozzing on people or anything like that, but there is that inherent naughty streak that means we don’t much like to conform, which you may have noticed. I think that helps. So thank you Messrs Lydon, Rotten, Strummer et al, for your influence upon the Woodfarm marketing team. The other thing is that we are both bass players, so having chosen the guitar with the fewest strings, we tend to simplifying things, and try not to over-complicate matters.

As you can see from another attached pic I went for a drive to test my eyes and came a little unstuck. Just in case you’re concerned, I didn’t really by the way, the pic is just one I found online by Googling ‘Range Rover crash’, which I then modified for the purposes of merriment. It made me giggle anyway.

Ok, apart from the odd reference for your amusement, I am now going to steer (in my 2.5 ton car whilst testing my eyesight) well away from the Cummings and Goings of the utter farce still raging in the carpeted corridors of Whitehall (ten points to anyone who gets that reference). But I keep hearing this phrase “Whackamole” bandied about by the government now, filtering out into the media. Why is it that they latch onto something and then keep repeating it ad nauseam? It’s a Pavlovian concept I know, and it works in advertising, but I just hate it when politicians come up with something and then ram it down our throats in every sentence they utter, whether it’s in context or not, as if they think we will all walk around in a zombie-like state, repeating their words. I don’t know about you, but I’m not easily brainwashed? I didn’t shuffle around saying “Get Brexit done”, or “Strong and stable”, or “Bing a bong a bang a bon-bon for Big Ben’s bung” or whatever it was. And I refuse to add “Whackamole” to my daily vocabulary. As far as I am concerned, it is and always will be, just another dip to put on the table at a party, along with the hummus, salsa and tortilla chips. I don’t even know why an avocado based dish has been brought into politics, but I simply refuse to be hoodwinked! And it’s pronounced “Whackamolay”, not “Whackamole” you numbnuts!

Talking of the government, how come Dido is working with them now!?! Has her tea gone that cold that she’s now acting in some advisory capacity on the new track and trace system? Talking of which, there may be a need to isolate some schools, or housing estates, or even parts of towns if and when the system discovers ‘hot spots’. Dick Ferrari was banging on about this being “completely unfair”. Seriously mate, the whole bloody thing is unfair, but WE DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE! It is a pandemic and the virus dictates the rules as I have said a number of times now. If the government tell me that Stonham Aspal is a red flagged centre of the virus and we must all stay at home, do you think I will a) Stay at home for a bit, b) Shout and scream that it’s unfair and that we shouldn’t have our liberty taken by the oppressive machine trying to take over our minds, or c) Pop out to Barnard Castle if I need to check the functionality of my optic nerves? Probably option a, you plum, as thats the one most likely to get us through this. Anyway good luck Dido, I’m glad you’ve diversified your talents. It’s not so bad, not so bad, and I want to thank you. Ok, you can have five points for that reference as it’s way less obscure than the previous one.

I heard a statement on Wednesday that “If a tracer tells you that you’ve been near someone with COVID, then you MUST self isolate”. Ermmmm, I’m assuming that if you know your wife has it though, you are ok to drive her and your son 270 miles to self-isolate, being careful that you don’t catch it though, as that’d be silly. I just read the full guidelines and that’s all ok. Turns out you are also allowed to nip out for an eye test if it’s her Birthday too, which is nice. So, we’re all clear then on track and trace? I’m so pleased I can deliver the facts to you in a simple and concise manner.

Woodentop Louise shared a story with me that her friend had shared about a TV programme on the 18th century British monarchies. Her friend said that “it shows how deeply ingrained in the British psyche is the concept of accountability of those in power. When an unelected official appears to have too much influence in the Government, he or she is challenged by the people. Remembering the English Civil War of 1642-1649, the Georgians knew only too well the cost of appointing unpopular advisors”. She went on to say that certain people “may want to heed the historic warning: "You are putting a rod into pickle, Sire, with which they will beat you hereafter!””. I have no idea what the implications of putting one’s rod in a pickle are, but I’m certain that it ain’t good!

Let’s finish up today in America shall we? I’ve been playing with anagrams of the orange one’s name to come up with some new ones, so I’ll run one or two by you. Damp Old Runt is possibly my favourite. It seems the single most important thing going on in the States right now is that Twitter has popped a sticker on one or two of Lord Dampnut’s Tweets, suggesting that we ‘fact check’ them. The reason they have done this is that those Tweets contain completely false information. As his country (not him, his country) mourns 100,000 deaths due to the virus, his biggest concern is that when he makes stuff up, Twitter are clearing their throats and suggesting we may wish to look into what he has said independently. And what does Dalton Drump do about this? Of course, he calls it “stifling free speech”.

McEnany the Flumpet declined to comment on whether Lard Dumpton should ever be fact-checked. What she did say was that his “intent is always to give truthful information to the American people”. a) I’m pretty sure that isn’t his intent, and b) I’m not so sure he manages it on a consistent basis.

So as Rome burns around Dul Don Tramp’s ankles, he signs an order to have Twitter and other social media companies thrown to the wolves. What on earth will this achieve? The order is “expected to face legal challenges”. Yes, this is the best use of time and energy at the moment. Nothing going on here.

Signing such an order is like you or I posting advice that the best way to test our fitness to drive is to manoeuvre a 2.5 ton motor car around the public highway for a one hour round trip with our family aboard, and then getting upset if anyone dares to suggest that this may not be the safest way to do it. Then when the platform we declared that advice on suggests that the reader may wish to check the facts, we demand that they be shut down. Surely if we suggested such a thing, there would be some merit in the notion that we may not actually have acted “Responsibly, legally, or with integrity”?. Three very interesting words.

Anyway, how did Flump’s son mark the occasion and pay his respects to the 100,000 Americans who have lost their lives? He pronounced it a “GREAT DAY for the DOW”. Way to go Eric. I do hope the vast fortune you were gifted by your father, who was gifted it by his father, is working well for you. You’re an honourable fellow, just like yer old man, Turd Pondlam.

I hope you have a good day dear Woodentops, and don’t forget that it’s almost the weekend, so you can do the same as you've been doing all week!

Stay safe x ... See MoreSee Less

Woodfarm Barns

1 week ago

Dear Diary

Day 65 of Lockdown in the UK - 27th May 2020

Morning Woodentops.

It’s the Archbishop of Ranterbury here again. Thanks for your sympathy yesterday with my turning to the bottle following various press conferences over the weekend. Here’s a pic of me at said bottle, but it’s ok, I don’t look affected at all. Do I?!?!?!

If you thought things couldn’t get any more surreal, I heard a beat-boxer on Radio 4 at 9am yesterday! That’s a chap using his vocal chords and mouth to make percussive sounds akin to that of a drum machine. It’s quite a skill and he was jolly good, but it was Radio 4 for Pete’s sake! What on earth is the world Cummings to? Even the once strong walls of this institution, protected for the good of the nation, have now been breached. I fear this is the beginning of the end dear Woodentops, so good luck to you all. Dunno what came over me then, I think I was just 85 years old for a mo, but I did feel strangely violated listening to it yesterday. You wouldn’t expect to see a gentleman in a fine Jermyn Street pinstripe, with a bowler hat, getting down and funky in the middle of a discotheque would you? No! Well then, let’s not have any more of this nonsense! Move along!

I had a successful day of deliveries yesterday, and I didn’t get abused by anybody. No names were called, and my sensitive soul remained unblemished. Although the car had to have a Doctor called out. I got a warning light around the time the Satnav dropped me the wrong side of the River Waveney in Beccles, to tell me that a “traction fault” has been detected, and that there was a “problem with the suspension”. The car advised me to “proceed with caution”, which I duly did. When the Doctor arrived at the Deli with his stethoscope, he plugged a computer into the car’s arteries and updated the software. That was it. Nowt wrong except a software update apparently. I’m glad that’s all covered on the warranty. I did say I would only buy one of these when I could afford to get a new one, as I really wouldn’t want to be facing a bill every time its over-engineeredness kicks in. Oh, and luckily I knew the Satnav was wrong as I knew that stretch of the river, having navigated it many times in my boat, so I just drove to the right bit the other side, whilst telling my Satnav how stupid it was. Or words to that effect. �

I’m not going to even touch on the evolving political situation, or the unfolding of events in Parliament today. I will not mention any of the further observations by 99% of our nation, or give my opinions. I won’t tell you what I think of the fact that more of the upper echelons of our leadership have now emerged from the closet and confirmed that politicians have a different method of testing their eyesight to the rest of us. I won’t comment on whether or not I feel that hurling a large piece of machinery weighing somewhere between one or two tons around our busy roads full of other motorists, bordered by paths full of pedestrians, is a safe way to see if one can see properly either. I just won’t. Cos it’s not what I started out to do and not what I want this page or diary to be about.

I may have touched upon it over the last few days, purely because it had to be said, and I guess to confirm that I wasn’t alone in my thoughts on the matter. It does sadden me greatly though, as I have said all along, that it (wrongly) shifts the focus and energy away from what is important. It shows that the job of one man is bigger than preventing the spread of a killer virus. It’s one man. And his job. Our jobs and our way of earning a living are important, I’m not saying they are not. But it is just a job. It’s not hundreds of people dying every day. It’s a job. It’s not even the job of a working man who would not be able to feed his family or keep a roof over their heads without it. Then it would be important, yet still not as important as people dying. It’s a job being protected, that if it were gone, the job-holder would simply make a living doing something else. It’s. A. Job. Thats all. With a ten inch thick armoured coating around it. Ok, I may have touched upon it, but I’m moving on, unlike the issue, which will divert attention from what is important, for some time yet.

All I will is say is well done Douglas Ross M.P, you Sir, are an honourable man and have my respect, and possibly that of one or two others.

As you know by now, I get a bee in my little bonnet when I see or hear rubbish ads or marketing. I make no apologies for it, it’s just my thing. As someone who has spent quite a few years now marketing his business (global pandemics notwithstanding) it just winds me up when I see see it done badly. When I say badly, I just mean in my opinion as it is subjective. I’m not an expert and I have no marketing or PR qualifications. I just do it. And if I do an ok job, then my business does well. My business has done just what I’ve wanted over the decade since I started it and it has many hundreds of Five Star reviews on Facebook, Tripadvisor and Google.

I started by developing the Woodfarm ‘brand’, and then built on it. I base a lot of my marketing on what I call the ‘proof of the pudding’. You see, it’s not me making big claims or anything, its just me kinda repeating what hundreds of people have said about us. Then what I do is stir in a big dollop of openness and honesty, just telling it like it is, and then top it all off with a handful of my daft take on life. And that all seems to work. A marketing ‘expert’ could look at what I’ve done over the years and slate it I’m sure. But I don’t really care as it’s worked for me. And as it has worked, I feel at least partially qualified to have an opinion on other business’ efforts, many of whom seem to be national or international. As you will know by now, my mind tends to work in a ‘Room 101’ kind of way, where its always on the lookout for annoying things that it’d like to put in there. I can’t help it, its just the way my brain works. And it does this every day!

The good thing is that I’m never looking to hurt anyone, or act with derision unless that’s called for. It’s mostly done in the confines of my skull with humour, and sometimes I let it out. Sometimes what it observes is met with confusion and I let it out. Sometimes things crop up in there with complete incredulity mind you, and sometimes it condemns certain actions to the fiery hell of Room 101 when they adversely affect others. It’s never a company at the heart of it, it’s always one or more individuals. This is why I have such a strong opinion of Gobwald Grump. Because I don’t feel that humans like that have a place at the top of the tree. He should be at the very bottom, shuffling around the sewers with the rats, where he would fit in better. He was just born into a vast fortune, and we’ve all had to observe over the years as he’s played with it. And now he plays with lives in the name of his own ego and power. Anyway, I’m getting away from marketing a little, but hopefully that gives you an insight into the inner workings of my head and how it processes stuff.

Back to marketing. My brain sometimes immediately looks at a brand, or an ad and just says “What the flip!?”. One such moment was on my way home from the Deli last night, when I drove past what I believe was a sign for a new homes builder. I could have this completely wrong so I will try to gather more info tomorrow on my way home, but it was a logo with the outline of a house and inside it was a flame. And the only words on there were “Flame Homes”. Now if I’m right and it was a new homes sign, then my marketing brain assumes they are seeking to portray a warm, cosy open fire, with one reclining in one’s slippers in front of it, sound in the knowledge that one chose well with one’s house-builder picking decisions. However, all my brain could see was a house on fire. There were two things on the sign. One was a picture of a house with a fire inside it and the other was the wording “Flame Homes”, which simply said to me “Darling, the house is on fire, best we get out”. I have spent about ten minutes Googling various options and could not find them. Weirdly, all that comes up is tons of stuff on burning buildings. I will dig deeper and report back. If I have it completely wrong then at least it kept us both occupied for a short time dear reader. If I’m right, then I may just have to drop them them a line and suggest they consider a re-brand.

Crikey, that whole lot was sparked off (pun intended) by my seeing a sign on the A140. Now you see what I have to live with, with this inquisitive and critical brain! It’s not easy being me!

Good news, bad news, really bad news, and good news folks. The good news is that my Deli boss Michelle has introduced me to the best tasting mint tea ever. You may consider it a little extravagant, but if you are so inclined, then I can tell you that Fortnum and Mason have it sussed. It’s just under 60p a bag, but that is a lot cheaper than a Choccamoccacappalattecino from Costabucks, and it tastes flippin’ lovely. Anyway, the bad news is that I usually drink it out of one of my Woodfarm ‘Keepcups’, which are now apparently going to be out of commission for a while, due to the coronavirus. So our planet-saving cups run the risk of spreading the virus and everyone needs to go back to using recyclable take-away cups for a while until we get on top of this. The really bad news is that just before lockdown I spent £1800 on a whole new batch of em to give away to our guests. We know they are very popular (the cups, not the guests, although they are lovely too) but we need to lay off em for a while. But that’s ok, because the other good news is that they don’t go out of date! Yay! So we will continue to give them away to our guests in order that they may be able to enjoy their take-away cuppa in style once the virus realises it’s not welcome around here. Of course, there’s nothing stopping you enjoying your Fortnum & Mason mint tea in yours at home, or in your car if you’re out testing your eyesight.

Woodentop Caroline said the day “I love your morning commentary on life, first thing I read every day”. Lots of you have said this, or words to this effect over the last 60 or so days. Or 118 months, or four years, or whatever it’s been. And that’s very kind of you. I guess it’s why I’ve kept it going. It started as a way for me to let steam out of my head as we went into this thing. I started writing just before we went into lockdown, having already had a stressful couple of weeks knowing it was coming and feeling like my business was about to end. But after processing it all relatively quietly for some time, I came out of the other side ahead of lockdown, feeling like I knew what needed to be done. It was still tough going into it but I knew the business would be able to survive and I knew it wasn’t as important as me, my family, my friends, and the rest of the world surviving. So, I picked myself up, brushed myself down, and took my car for an hour’s drive to check I could see properly. In a car which weighs around 2.5 tons by the way, and is almost the same car as the P.M’s mate does his eye tests in, but I’ll admit to succumbing to a little sense of schadenfreude in the fact that mine is a nicer model 🤣. Little things please little minds eh?.

With my eyesight fully tested, I started writing this thing. Many may think it folly, but it’s kept me from getting bored, and quite a lot of people seem to be enjoying it. It does enable me to have a poke at various individuals, and garner wide-ish opinion too, so I’ll carry on for a bit if thats ok with you? And as I have said, if it isn’t ok with you, please do feel free to shuffle along and read something that is ok with you. I don’t mean that rudely, I just mean that it’s a free country and you can read whatever you choose.

I have a lot to say on the Trumpah Lumpah but I’m going to save it for another day as I’m really trying (and failing) not to make these entries too long. We can all see what he’s doing and I will continue to share my opinion of him with you, I promise. For now, just Google ‘Mumpsimus’, as it applies to him, as well as one or two this side of the water.

Don’t forget it’s the Quiz nite tonight folks! 6.30pm on Facebook Live and we have our ever popular lyrics round, as well as the new logos round, and a round I came up with, based on some of my brushes with celebs over the years. So I hope to see you tonight for a beer and some fun.

Stay safe x ... See MoreSee Less

Woodfarm Barns

1 week ago

Dear Diary

Day 64 of Lockdown in the UK - 26th May 2020

Morning Woodentops.

I stand before you in shame. I hang my head for letting you down and I’m sorry. I have persistently said week in, week out, down at the Woodfarm Arms, that I haven’t had a drink other than the ones I have in front of you. And that is true. Yet last night, after listening to some bloke talking from a Rose Garden about a spot of bother he’s in over an innocent family outing, I was sat out on my decking in the sunshine, and I thought “sod it”. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. I had one very welcome, refreshing bottle of St. Peter’s Best Bitter, and though I am not proud to say, I bloomin well loved it. See, apologising isn’t difficult is it?

Thanks for agreeing with me yesterday and permitting my rant about Mr. Cummings and Goings. Boris looked so uncomfortable during his ‘briefing’ on Sunday night. You don’t have to be a body language expert to know that his entire demeanour was screaming the same as Dr. Deborah Birx when Jabba the Flumpton mooted the idea of injecting disinfectant. That shared emotion was what we call “This is so wrong. Wrongetty wrong wrong. So wrong we should call it Wrongy McWrongface, paint it on the bow of a large boat and set sail for Barnard Castle. Fear not beautiful reader, my ever so slightly political rant is nearly over. This is just the ebb to yesterday’s flow. It is designed purely for mirth and derision as opposed to providing any stance on my feelings on the matter. There is so much still going on, especially after Mr. Cummings and Goings statement yesterday, with more holes in his story than my colander, and so much I want to say but I am going to steer well clear for now at least. It ain’t over yet though by a long shot is it?

I’m not continuing the discussion but I just want to let you in on something and provide some balance for the ‘other side’, for there are two sides to every story, however perforated it may be. After the first 136 people clicked ‘Like’ on yesterday’s post, presumably in agreement with what I’d said, and half of you commented in complete agreement, one person piped up with “FFS, what is wrong with you people?”. I don’t want to get into arguments with anyone as it is my page, and not a place for tiffs, but I’d say as a bit of research, that’s 0.74% with the decision for this bloke to keep his job, and 99.26% against. Them’s pretty good odds in any debate. I’m quite comfy that I’m on the right team. I deleted the comment as there is no way to win against that mindset. Ever. If anyone disagrees with me, that’s fine, but please just read everything I have to say on the matter in yesterday’s post and listen to the feeling around our entire country. You are wrong. Look at that person’s words “what is wrong with you people”. You see, the fact is they simply don’t see what we see. And won’t ever see it. As I say, I’m just comfy knowing that I’m with the 99.26%, which from what I have heard since, it is around the national percentage too. We will always disagree with some people over facts. Pigs don’t know they stink, and David Icke doesn’t know he’s a mentalist. There’s so much Snollygostering going on though! (Thanks Kate)

Nearly done. The key message from Boris last night is that we keep washing our hands. Of what? Accountability?. I feel very fortunate in this regard, as I have a nice posh car with a lot of nice posh accessories (not the Satnav) and I can confirm that the HSE Sport is fitted with an Armitage Shanks porcelain sink and Chatsworth chrome taps, with a full plumbing and drainage system, allowing me to drive up to 270 miles on one tank of water, stopping in beauty spots to wash my hands, without getting out of the car. That’s it folks, keep washing your hands, because you haven’t been religiously doing that for the last 64 days. Let’s wash our hands and this will all go away. Not sure if that refers to the virus or the story?.

I say almost done, almost now. I am a loyal Specsavers customer and my good friend Hilary is a franchise partner and my optician. But now I fear for the future of her business and all the other opticians around the country. Because now it would appear that we don’t need them any more! We simply need to go for a half an hour car journey to test our eyesight. It’s that simple. To be really safe though, please ensure that you take at least two family members with you in case your eyesight fails. But pleeeeeease, if you adopt this method of eye-testing as opposed to the traditional route of seeking expert advice, try not to crash into any other cars whilst you’re performing your test. That certainly wouldn’t be the best thing for your family, or others. So just be jolly careful, as that might not be deemed to be “responsible, legal, or with integrity” if you or I did it. Different rules. Right, I’m moving on, I promise. Actually moving on.

There’s a Chromebook ad running on the radio. It is the radio equivalent of advertising a car in the 70’s with a brace of bikini-clad blondes reclining over the bonnet, designed to get man salivating and reaching for his wallet. I genuinely think it’s sexist as the whole thing is a sultry female voice talking in a sensual tone about “Operating systems you’ll love”. The entire ad carries on in this vein, culminating in the line “Breathe, your soul is returning”. Trust me, I’ve met a lot of geeks in my time and the guys that’ll genuinely love the operating system are not ones to be seduced by an attractive sounding lady. They will get their kicks reading the technical specifications maybe, but not this cheesy sexist ad. I cannot believe that these ad agencies get work but good luck to ‘em. At least we’re not turning into America. Oops.

Sticking with ads, I’ve never had a puff of a cigarette in my life as I’ve always found them vile, so I don’t know what it’s like to try and quit smoking. But I keep hearing an ad for Allen Carr’s online seminars. I’ve heard these for weeks and kept meaning to Google it as I wondered why TV’s funny chap didn’t do the ad himself. Turns out, as you will see from the spelling of the first Allen, that it’s a different fella! Surely if that’s your name, when you’re doing an ad you at least mention the other guy to avoid confusion, or add some humour? I don’t believe one needs legal permission to allude to someone? It’s an unentertaining ad mind, shoulda used a sultry woman!

Exciting news about Italy! As you may have heard me say the other day at the pub, I have given the builders the green light again! I have no real idea of when we will be properly up and running or how it’s going to go because I think the demand here for UK breaks, or ‘Staycations’ is going to be huge. I don’t want to be travelling to Italy until its safe to do so, but I am hopeful that we will finish the house sometime this Summer and be able to start letting it. If it’s safe to go then you will love it, as the views are breath-taking. I’m trying to get some photos for you from the project manager but she’s not great at that stuff tbh. The structure of the terrace is up, which I’m exited to see. I do have a rough video but I’m trying to get something better to share with you, so keep your eyes peeled.

So then, professional sports in close quarters are kicking off (pun intended) again. How is that ok but people can’t go to a Holiday Cottage or Barge and stay for a few days without going near anyone outside their household? I do get very confused over these rules, but clearly that’s easy to do.

Ok, we’ve left Gumpy McGumpface alone for a couple of days so let’s see what he’s been up to. The U.S is just a few poor souls short of 100,000 deaths now, so it’s reassuring to know that their leader is working tirelessly around the clock to bring the toll down, mitigate the effects of the virus and slowly and sensibly get the country going again. What’s that? Oh. He played golf over the weekend. Twice. And Twittered. A lot. Mainly hurling abuse at female politicians. Personal abuse about their appearance. Yup. He’s a smart guy.

But let’s focus on the golf shall we? I would not wish to run any country. I’d imagine it’s a tough job. I’m not denying anyone time for rest and recuperation and I’m sure none of you would. But in the middle of a global pandemic I’d probably grab a few hours sleep in a dark room where I could, and take exercise by walking, whilst accompanied by my advisors 2m away, so that we could get fresh air and discuss fresh ideas. But no. That is not the way it is done Stateside apparently. By the man who told the American voters on the campaign trail in 2016: “I’m going to be working for you. I’m not going to have time to go play golf”. Errrm, up until the weekend, he had been seen playing golf over 250 times since taking office. Bless him and his little lies. The estimated cost to the U.S taxpayer of this pastime he wouldn’t have time for? $134,000,000. In Air Force 1 flight costs, other travel, security, accommodation etc.

He slated Barack Obama for playing golf during the Ebola outbreak, which claimed two lives in the US. He said “There are times to play and times that you can’t play. It sends the wrong signal. You know when you’re president you sorta say, like, ‘I’m gonna give it up for a couple of years and I’m really gonna focus on the job.’” If only he had a memory and a brain and stuff. We can’t say he’s not ‘putting in the hours’ though. Geddit? ‘Putt’ing. Oh, I thought it it was funny anyway.

I’m very excited as it’s Deli day! I get to go out and about, delivering goodies to grateful customers who are still listening to that instruction us commoners were given a while back “Stay at home”. Anyway, my boss Michelle doesn’t get as excited as me because she likens my appearances to Grandparents taking the Grandkids for an afternoon and handing them back full of sugar and e numbers. She quakes in her boots when I come crashing in and hyping up the Deli team, purely because I haven’t seen any humans for days! Have a lovely day people and no, we will not be widening the rounds from Bungay to Barnard Castle!

Don’t forget it’s the Quiz tomorrow night! I have some great questions for you, including my own brushes with celebs!

Stay safe x ... See MoreSee Less

Woodfarm Barns

1 week ago

Dear Diary

Day 63 of Lockdown in the UK - 25th May 2020

Morning Woodentops.

I'll start by apologising for what you are about to read. Soz.

The pub was fun again last night so thanks for coming down. You may have noticed that my cage was a little bit rattled as we one live about an hour after another live event (with slightly bigger viewing figures). It is nice for me to have you guys ‘here, although not here here’, as it feels like I have loads of my friends round. So thank you.

After certain ‘events over the weekend’ It feels great to be finally able to do some proper marketing again and start coming up with some fresh ideas to promote the business. I’m super excited to be able to reveal news to you all of our new ‘PPP’ scheme. That’s the “Parliamentary Privilege Pass’. It’s really very simple but I’ll go through it in case you are reading this and happen to just be a dumb commoner. In line with the ‘guidance’ set out by our leader a few weeks ago, we are planning to re-open in July and have taken tentative steps in that direction.

We are now taking bookings from ordinary decent folk in July, on the basis that we will move them if the ‘guidance’ says we can’t quite open yet. However, we can now reveal that in accordance with the new ‘guidelines’ allowing members of Parliament to do whatever they wish with impunity, we are now exclusively open to them from today! Yes indeedy, we are now fully open for M.P’s. There will be a 1000% surcharge but that can just be chucked onto expenses as per. That’s right folks, if you have your proof that you are an MP, or just a letter from the Prime Minister confirming you are a mate of his, then you can book and arrive any time you like from NOW!. All you need to do is first register for your ‘Parliamentary Privilege Pass’. Simples. Under NO circumstances must you try to register if you are a commoner though, this does NOT apply to you thicko!

I’d like to tell you a (relevant) story from my yoof. When I was at school I worked part-time as a cleaner at Woolworths in Colchester. For the younger members of audience, that was a department store in every town at the time. I used to go each evening after school and polish the floors, with my mates Sean Ashford and Kevin Harvey. To make it clear, they did it as well, I don’t mean I used them to polish the floors. One night I went into town with my mate Phil Welfare (different to ‘the’ Phil) to get the new Def Leppard album, but as we were running late I had to go straight to ‘Woolies’. Phil went off to get it and a little later as I was buffing the floor, he appeared at the locked back glass doors, triumphantly waving the said gate-fold LP. As a 15 year old kid, a new (insert any band name) album was a very exciting event in one’s calendar. He slid it through the gap between the doors so I could have a quick look at all it’s gate-fold glory, before passing it back. All very innocent, no harm done. Until the next day.

Upon my arrival I was hauled into the manager’s office and was told about a woman calling the store, to report someone stealing an LP and passing it to someone through the gap between the locked doors. I provided my explanation, which was duly accepted, corroborated with the fact that Woolies didn’t have the album. Even then I preferred to ‘shop local’. I think he got it from either Parrot Records or Andy’s Records, both teeny little independent record shops inn Colchester that stank of 15 year old boys bedrooms, though not in a weird way. They just smelt like that because they were mostly inhabited but us spotty, greasy teenagers. However, despite my innocence I was fired on the spot with the words “We know you didn’t do anything wrong but we have to let you go. We can’t be seen to be allowing theft from the store”.

I’ll never forget that, and it taught me a lesson. You see in hindsight that was possibly a bit silly and I didn’t consider that ramifications. Maybe that goes some way to explaining why I have such an issue with Mr. Dominic Cummings and Goings, though I think his actions were far greater reaching and more serious than a 15 year old boy losing his job because he was a bit silly.

Gove tweeted: "Caring for your wife and child is not a crime”. Agreed Mr. Gove, 100%. HOW you go about it though, may lead one to acting against the law, or in this case, ‘guidelines’ that we were ALL supposed to follow. The issue is that he disobeyed ‘guidelines’ and kept it quiet because he (and No. 10) knew it was wrong. He did NOT break the law. That is NOT the point. He went 100% against ‘guidelines’ put in place for us ALL to follow. Shapps repeatedly defended Mr. Cummings and Goings, saying “As we all do in moments of crisis, we seek to have our family around us. He went to where the family was.” You and I couldn’t do that as we followed the rules in our own “moments of crisis”. That would NEVER, EVER, EVER hold up in a court of law if we did something wrong. You break the rules, you pay for it. Simples as.

I have waited over two months to see my Daughter and ONLY did so, extremely cautiously as I have said, when the guidelines ALLOWED it! The more they defend themselves, the deeper the pile of doo-doo gets! And the more we are taking our attention away from what is important. Essentially, what we are hearing is that one man’s job is more important than hundreds of people dying every day. That’s it right there! Heavens to murgatroyd, I don’t really care if he did it twice or not. He did it ONCE. That’s enough. Go. Sacked. End of. If I was fired on the spot by Woolies, then so should he be. And I wasn’t an advisor to the Chairman of Woolworths on store security! I was a flippin floor cleaner!

So what happened last night at 5pm when Boris took to the stage? He said that Cummings had “no alternative” for childcare. Errrrm, apart from the alternatives Boris? He just glossed straight over it in seconds! That was it. He said that he felt that Cummings had acted “responsibly and legally and with integrity”. Well, one out of three is ok right? He didn’t break the law as the guidelines hadn’t been brought into law, but how in the name of everything ever decent and right was what he did “responsible”, or with “integrity”? His wife HAD the virus! Boris thought that was it. Until every question was about this furore. Again proving my point, and the point of many millions of others, including all of you (I think), the focus is not on us getting through this, but on the jobs for the boys, one rule for one, call it what you will.

He broke the guidelines by getting in the car and driving 200 miles with a wife very clearly with coronavirus at the very time that we were explicitly told NOT to do that! What we would have been expected to do would have been to stay at home until it was necessary for someone to come and collect the child due to the parents being too sick to care for them. So Cummings carries on regardless, whilst it looks as though I’m not gonna get my job back at Woolies! If only I’d gone to Eton with the manager of Woolies eh? (I know Cummings didn’t go to Eton, that was a metaphor).

If you do wish to openly flout the guidelines and do anything you wish, then please print out the handy attached Dominic Cummings and Goings mask, to allow unhindered travel. Do remember to cut out the eyeholes though, otherwise you'll never make it Barnard Castle.

Ok, I’m done. I’m really sorry that I went down this road, but I am angry beyond words that privileged pr**k is still advising those who run our country, and scooping up a whopping great salary. I am angry about the ramifications as I have said ALL along. The reason that I think we should just leave the government alone to get on with this is ‘common decency’. It’s about focus. It’s about surviving this thing and supporting them to get through it. But they went way over the top there. There were any number of ways that this issue could have ended yesterday and I do not believe any of you would agree that this was a simple case of a family man doing the right thing. If you do think that then you and I will never agree on this.

My focus this morning has been entirely on this disgusting situation but I am just a gob on a stick attempting to run a small business, in an ethical fashion, whilst simultaneously trying to do the right thing to get through this, along with my fellow (decent) countrymen and women. I am NOT a leader of our country, or a member of the media taking attention away from what is important right now. All the attention has been on this person and saving his job, when over one hundred people died yesterday in our country due to this virus.

I think I might need to steer clear of anything remotely political. I cannot make it clearer, I have sought to keep this page from being party political in the interests of ‘professionalism’ and I wish to keep it that way. I believe that we ALL need to focus on doing our bit to prevent this from wiping us out. And I do not want my Bookface page to be about politics. But this is bigger than my business. This is, as I have said before, about Life vs. Money and I am disgusted. All this boils down to Mr. Cummings and Goings income. I’m sick to the core of what I saw over the weekend. But I have said my piece and I’m going to move on.

My sincere apologies to anyone who is offended by my rant today, but these are very trying times and I’m just human like you. I couldn’t let that go unsaid and I really am sorry if it offended you, or you didn’t like reading my diary today. Tomorrow I will continue to try to be funny and bring a smile to your faces by talking about nice things and having a pop at adverts, COVIDIOTS, and the orange one. I did try to inject some humour today still, but it was difficult and I think I failed. If I can’t think of anything nice or funny tomorrow, I’ll just have a day off and calm down.

Oh, don’t forget, if you are ‘privileged’ then you can book to arrive with immediate effect for a well earned break from all this, but if you are a commoner you will have to wait. Them’s the rules. Or not. I get confused.

Stay safe x ... See MoreSee Less

Woodfarm Barns

2 weeks ago

Dear Diary

Day 62 of Lockdown in the UK - 24th May 2020

Morning Woodentops.

That was a short diary entry yesterday wasn’t it? After meeting Lauren for the first time in over two months, I really had nothing more important to me to share with you than that picture. Thank you so much for all the beautiful comments, I really appreciated it. We met on the edge of Epping Forest, which is about a 30 minute bike ride for Lauren. It was surreal, as for the first time in almost 28 years, we greeted each other without a hug and a kiss, but it was wonderful nonetheless. I then drove, and Lauren cycled, to the nearest Tesco so we could park our respective vehicles. It was a little different to the Coop in Bungay, as the queue was around 60 deep around the perimeter of the car park, and there was a very loud DJ keeping them ‘entertained’.

A walk back to the forest and then to one of the lakes, and we set up camp with our respective socially distanced picnic blankets and lunch, by the side of the water. We just chilled, chatted, paddled, interacted with the ducks, geese and swans, and generally had a lovely time. I was worried that the forest would be busy but it wasn’t at all. The roads were though, and I faced complete gridlock coming out. I really don’t like Lauren being in London for all sorts of reasons, but she loves it so what can ya do? I keep trying to get her to come to Suffolk and run a Holiday Cottage business but that ain’t hapnin’.

You know in the past I’ve had trouble finding my reading glasses, and have previously found as many as six pairs in my car? Well now I have a new system as you can see. I have decided to keep all my glasses on my head as I’ve never lost my head, despite what I told the autobot on the phone the other day about the freak knitting accident. Not only is it practical, but also it’s a great look as I am sure you will concur. I’m also considering running clinical trials into doing the same with my socks so the washing machine can’t eat them, but I fear I may need larger shoes so I can wear them all simultaneously. This needs thinking through.

I had a really nice email from a chap with a Barge enquiry. He is head of professional imaging for a one of the biggest photographic equipment companies on the planet, and as well as being interested in a Woodfarm Barge break, he also very kindly enquired as to who had shot all of our videos and stills, saying that “the content looks fantastic”, and that he is “just in awe” of them! I consider myself very lucky to have found two very talented people to capture the essence of what we are about, and had to share that fab testimonial with them. Paula Brown of Positive FX Studio does all of our videos, and Carl Lamb of ambientLight does the stills and our virtual tours. Thanks for your great work as always guys. 😁

I heard another proper advert yesterday! I am neither endorsing or otherwise, particularly as I just used Bungay Tyre Services this week, but Kwik-Fit are running a nice advert. They were saying that we are probably not using our cars much at the moment but they wanted to just give us some information for us to check them ourselves to make sure they will be ok for when we can get cracking again. Now that I like. Isn’t that nicer than “Hey! use us, we are cheaper than XYZ Tyres”, or “Hey! we have lowered our prices for the NHS, it’s nothing to do with the fact that nobody is driving so we an’t selling any tyres”. That is just simple, honest, public-spirited advertising from a company who hope that once this is over, you will remember them for your tyre and exhaust requirements. And that’s ok. It’s positive PR and I’m fine with that. It’d be a much nicer commercial world if everyone behaved like this.

Ok. We have to cover the issue of Dominic Cummings. We have to. I will stress yet again that this is NOT a political statement and there is NO party bias in this observation, it is a statement of my opinion on our political system as a whole, and the way in which it (as a whole) is not focussing on what is important right now. I have also made it very clear that I think we should all support the government to ‘Get COVID done’, whatever way we lean, and I re-iterate that my own political opinion may surprise you. The focus MUST be on our government working together, with ALL parties to get us through this awful situation, without allowing distractions like this to get in the way.

It is also not, and I do not want this ever to be a platform for political debate, so please don’t anybody say “Tory this, Labour that”, that isn’t what it’s about. I need to make that distinction. It’s merely an observation of the way they are ALL behaving as a ’system’ right now. The furore surrounding this is taking attention and energy away from what is important. The guy broke the rules. Sack him, forget it, learn from it, and move on. That is what should happen. COVID-19 is bigger than one man’s job. I was very clear the other day about the Lib Dem Peer Lord Fox. He has stolen money from the tax payer and should go. Immediately. No expensive enquiry, no debate, just go. Gone. Set an example. That would constitute instant dismissal in the commercial world. No question. So would scores of politicians on all sides when they were having it away with their expenses.

Dominic Cummings has been really stupid. He knows he was sneaking around against the guidelines. Yes he is a family man as many of us are and was seeking to protect his child, but he did NOT need to drive 200 miles at the start of the escalation of the pandemic here, when he and his wife clearly were showing symptoms. That was wholly irresponsible and dangerous, when there were other options. His sister offered to take the boy, so why didn’t she, assuming she wasn’t showing symptoms, do the journey instead of two people with coronavirus. I’m sure there is a network of friends in London that would happily have volunteered to look after the lad too. There were several other options than what he did. If there was nothing wrong with this action, why has it been kept quiet? This has been LEAKED. As in, it was kept HIDDEN. They ALL knew it was naughty. The issue here is that if that was you or I, we would have been in trouble, and we are NOT advisors to the government!

The only defence is “What would you have done in that situation?”. Firstly, I am not an advisor to the PM and neither are you. What I would have done is considered the safest option and that wasn’t it. It would not make me a bad father to choose another option. 200 miles in the confines of a car when two of us had clear symptoms and the small child did not, may not have been the best option. My opinion is that when one is in a high position, one must avoid stupidity and this was stupid. Really stupid. And hypocritical.

So to summarise, this is not about party politics so let’s avoid that please peeps. It is about an advisor to the PM, flouting the advice that we were all supposed to follow, keeping it hush hush, now it comes out, and all the energy that should be spent on getting us through this, is being used for political in-fighting. That is sick. Sack him, stop talking about it, move on. Oh, and sack Lord Fox too, he is a thief involved in making, then breaking, the laws of our country. This would be my opinion if it was a Tory government, a Labour government, or a Monster raving loony government.

I do think sometimes I should get off the fence and say what I think though.

Ok, talking of saying what I think, let’s pop over to the States shall we? Flump is the gift that keeps on giving (unfortunately) as Woodentop Valerie said to me the other day. He does keep on giving, but I'd love to report that his reign was over due to imbleachment or imprisonment (even though he is exempt from that I believe). Unfortunately Gormwald Dump went golfing yesterday, to demonstrate that the country should all go back to normal now that they stand at 97,500 deaths and rising. Nothing to see here folks, just a man golfing.

As the world still finds itself divided over wether or not Golfy McGolf-face took Hydroxychloroquine (he didn’t), a study of almost 100,000 hospitalised coronavirus patients across six continents discovered that those who received the antimalarial drug, unendorsed by the entire world’s actual professionals, but endorsed and promoted by Jabba the Gutt, had, wait for it… “a significantly higher risk of death” when compared with those who did not take it. And still that man is allowed to run America? For whatever reason last week, he decided spontaneously to tell the world’s press that he was taking Hydroxychloroquine, yet it is clearly not advisable. I maintain absolutely that he was not taking it, based on his track record, the lack of fanfare, his words, the way in which he spoke, and his body language. I strenuously maintain this was an utter lie purely to grab attention at that teeny point in time, as that is what he does. It was the exact same demeanour he had when you could visibly see the notion of injecting disinfectant slowly occurring to him as a great idea.

Just a couple of days later he said he was stopping it. If he was taking it, which he wasn’t, it is NOT like a course of antibiotics you numbnut, you need to maintain this kind of drug in your system to keep doing the thing it does, if you have been prescribed it for something else. So to clarify, he suddenly and spontaneously endorsed his own personal taking of a totally unproven drug to fight the virus, against ALL expert advice, then said he was stopping it, and now there is evidence that it is very likely (96% likely) to kill you if you have the virus. Again I find myself utterly dumbfounded that this thing is still in charge of a fairly important country. These are crimes against humanity. Does anyone out there think I am overblowing this? Happy to talk to you if you think he’s a solid dude and not responsible for killing people. I have a roughly 50/50 chance of success when chatting with an American, as 47% say the U.S has done either an ‘excellent’ or a ‘good job’ in dealing with the outbreak. Jeez, really?

I have breaking news from America though. Actually it isn’t breaking news as I’m a day late, due to not posting ‘Orange is the new Dumb’ rants yesterday. You might need to sit down for this. It turns out that Kayleigh McEnany is a bit dumb. I know, hard to believe right? Crikey, it’ll probably soon rub off and her boss will catch CODUMB-19 too! Imagine that! Yes, in a PR stunt designed to make all the Rednecks cheer in unison “Wow, what a guy, I will sure as heck 150% vote for that dude, or my name ain’t Billy Bob McSwiggert the Third”, the Flumpet told the world that her Orange Superhero was donating his quarterly pay check (that’s a cheque to you and I) to fight the virus. The one that wasn’t going to affect America. the one that was going to go away in April, like a miracle. And in case you didn’t see it yesterday, I’ve shared the picture with you of the Whitehouse Press Secretary, holding up the President’s bank details! Yes, his actual bank details. 🤦‍♂️

Good news for all those Americans seeking to gather en masse in big buildings to pray to their chosen God, although he or she is, as I understand it, everywhere. According to Gov. Brian Kemp, it is ESSENTIAL! In capital letters with an exclamation mark! I couldn’t agree more. As the death toll continues to rise in the States, due to a virus that is transferred from person to person in close proximity, it’s ESSENTIAL to get them all together in a confined space Brian. Go Brian, go Brian.

I think I’ll close by telling you a sweet story about a two-faced kitten. The cat of an American family (where else?) gave birth to a litter, which included one with two faces. No in-breeding jokes about Oregon or any other U’s Sates please. It’s very weird and kinda cute (Google the video). I do have a couple of observations as you would expect. One is that they have called the kitten ‘Biscuits and Gravy’ or just 'Biscuits' for short. That’s not short, that’s just leaving one of the cats out. One of the faces is clearly ‘Biscuits’ and one is ‘Gravy’. You don’t have twins, call them Johhny and Billy, and then refer to them collectively as Johhny surely? My other observation is that I was reading this on the BBC website, and they said “The life expectancy for these kinds of cats is typically very short, but the family is optimistic”. The key word here is ‘optimistic’. This last bit made me laugh as I watched the video and what the guy actually said was, and I quote, “we’re not super optimistic”. Oh ok, yeah that’s like optimistic isn’t it, only not. So the opposite then. Not optimistic. At all. If I didn’t know better, I’d say the media just say what they want sometimes.

Hey ho, time to go out and get some fresh air methinks. It’s PUB DAY!!!!!! Happy Hour Hangout at the Woodfarm Arms tonight folks. Please come along at 6.30pm so I’m not the sad, lonely old git propping up the end of the bar with no mates. Think of a question or two for me, and bring your favourite tipple. I have another mystery arrival in the post to share with you as you can see in the attached pic! It's very exciting! See you later.

Stay safe x ... See MoreSee Less