Gerty & The Spammers

A few times a week I get emails from individuals or organisations wanting to post what is known as ‘Guest blog content’.

They offer to pay for this, which on the face of it sounds like a good idea. I have a decently ranking website. With a massive blog page. You could (in theory) put your blog on here advertising your thing, and I get paid. However, I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do it because it is just cacky, spampy, dirty, horrible content.

There are companies out there, and I’m about to tell you about one of them, that act as a service for going out finding websites that are prepared to hold your miserable content in an attempt to flood the internet in a really rubbish, lazy, non-ethical way with your flotsam and jetsam. I get many emails of this type, and I pop them in my spam folder because it is just junk.

However, when I got an email from Michael, I was in a playful mood, as you’ll see.

As this unfolds, you will keep asking yourself two questions. One, how is Michael not getting this? And two, what is Carl on? I can answer the second question. It’s just caffeine. I do all this with a small amount of strong Italian caffeine early in the morning. Without further ado, please enjoy this exchange between Michael and I. Obviously, I have retained anonymity for Michael, bless him.

Michael:
Greetings,
It’s Michael here from XXXXX, and I’m reaching out to ask if you have a fee for guest posts on your platform as I’m eager to set up a submission arrangement if that’s feasible 🙂 If you have any more sites as well, I would appreciate it if you could share those with their respective prices.

Warm wishes,
Michael @ XXXXX

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Carl:
My guest posts are £2,500 each.

Let me know how many you want.

Many thanks,
Carl

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Michael:
I will pass, but thank you 😅

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Carl:
That’s a shame because I need a new pair of shoes.

Many thanks,
Carl

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Michael:
I’m afraid we can’t go forward here, but thank you anyway.

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Carl:
Ok, how about £2,400. I don’t mind putting the extra bit in to get the shoes.

Many thanks,
Carl

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Michael:
We will need to pass here, but thanks again.

Carl:
Ok, you drive a hard bargain Michael, so here’s what I’m prepared to do:

I can go for the John Lobb William II Double Monk Strap Shoes. They’re handcrafted in Northampton and feature premium leather and a timeless design.

These are only £1,995, so I am prepared to offer you a guest blog for that exact price.

I don’t think I can say fairer than that, can I?

This is a picture of them. If you want, I can send you a mockup of what I will look like in them.

Many thanks,

Carl

Michael:
I am afraid on this occasion, we must pass on this offer, but thank you for your time 🙂

Carl:
Yes, but they look really good!

I’ve had this artist’s impression done so you can understand just how good these shoes will look on me. This is me outside my house, but with the shoes photoshopped on.

Let me know your thoughts, Mike.

Many thanks,
Carl

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Michael:
Sadly, I must decline here, but thank you for your generosity and art share.

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Carl:
You are really testing me here, Mikey!

I do want to help you out, but I need to get new shoes out of this.

I’ve just found these at my local Shoe Zone. They’re £40. I’d need a commitment of 30 pairs though, in a range of colours.

Thoughts?

Many thanks,
Carl

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Michael:
We could do £40 for one post, certainly 🙂 The commitment to 30, I’m afraid, wouldn’t fly.

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Carl:
Ok, 25 pairs, and I’ll leave out the green range.

I can do this for 25 pairs, excluding the greens. Shame, as they are a nice variety.

So are we agreed then? A commitment of 25 pairs of Crocs, in the colours of my choice. Size 10. For one blog?

I’m happy for you to write up to 32 words, provided that some of the following are utilised:

Rust, Orbit, Velvet, Ashes, Quartz, Driftwood, Vapor, Horizon, Echo, Pebble, Mirage, Ember, Frost, Granite, Whirlwind, Ripple, Glow, Silt, Shadow, Camber.

I’d have to insist that at least 50% of them are used.

Do we have a deal?

Many thanks,
Carl

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Michael:
I am afraid on this occasion, I will have to decline.

But thank you again for your time 🙂

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Carl:
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey,

We gotta do this! This has to happen. We’ve been through too much together to let this fall from our grasp now!

How about if I drop:
Driftwood, Vapor, Horizon, Echo, Pebble, Mirage, Ember.

I really think that’s a good deal for you and one which you should give careful consideration to. Think about the last time you were hasty in turning a gift horse with too many cooks. You know that’ll only lead to greener grass, right?

Many thanks,
Carl

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Michael:
I am afraid I must insist that we can not move forward, but thank you for your generosity 🙂

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Carl:
Dear Mr XXXX,

I really must apologise for having wasted your valuable time today.

I’m afraid none of the emails between us were from me. I left my laptop open, and my pet parakeet Gerty often helps herself!

As you can imagine, this can cause embarrassment on occasion.

I do hope this hasn’t tarnished the possibilities of us working together in the future.

Many thanks,
Carl

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Michael:
It is okay, Mr Scott, I understand. So would you like to move forward at £40 per post 🙂

Best,

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Carl:
I don’t think so, Michael.

I never entertain external blog writers, as much of it is spammy content.

I’m sorry that Gerty got hold of my laptop again. It caused all sorts of problems last month when, unbeknownst to me, she was conversing with the Swedish Ambassador to Malaysia!

Many thanks,
Carl

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